This entire situation had touched him more deeply than he'd first thought. Mrs. Smithfield had to face the loss of her son, and a year before that, she was grieving the loss of her husband. No one should have to bear that. No one should have to bear the loss of loved ones. Never. Life goes on, yes, but the pain never really goes away. It only ebbs.

Harm knew that as well as any person who had had to face this very same pain. He'd felt the pain for so many years, avoiding the reality because the reality was too hard to bear, even if he wouldn't have admitted that to anyone. He'd confessed it to his ward a couple of days ago, though, and he also confessed something else, something very personal - something he'd never told to anyone before.

****

Mattie and he were sitting at the living room table, eating, when Harm asked her about her mother's death.

"How did you learn, Mattie? About your mom's death?"

"I got a call in the middle of the night. Last time I heard from my dad for about six months. And after that, people kept telling me how bad they felt, how sad they were. But I didn't care how sorry they were. I just missed my mom. And I had no one to talk to."

"It's been eighteen months. Do you want to talk about it now?"

"What's the point? She's gone," she answered defensively.

"Hey, you're gonna have to talk about it eventually. 'Cause if you don't come to grips with your mom's death, you're not going to get along with your own life. I never dealt with my father's death. You know, for years I kept telling myself that he was still alive. Even when I found out that he was dead, I never dealt with it. And it hurt me. Big."

"How?"

"Never let anybody close."

"Well, you let me in."

"'Course I did. What was I thinking?" Harm smiled.

"What am I? A science project?"

"No!"

"What happens when you get bored with me?"

"Have you been talking to Mac?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Harm said in a low voice.

"What is it with you and Mac? I mean, Jen says you love her but I..."

"You've been talking to Petty Officer Coates about me?"

"A lot. Why, I mean there's a lot to talk about! What do you expect with girls?"

"I... I... I don't wanna deal with this right now."

"Yeah, I know. You wanna talk about me."

"Remind me, yet, exactly: why are you here?"

"Because you love me."

Harm stood at the counter in front of her and made an affirmative gesture. Mattie went on.

"And, hey - you can trust me not to tell Jen anything you would want to tell me about Mac. I'm really serious about keeping my word. You tell me it's a secret - and it stays that way."

"I thought I said I didn't want to talk about me," said Harm, smiling.

"Too late, we're there."

"Look, ah, Mac's and my relationship is... ah... complicated," Harm said, a resigned tone in his voice.

"Do you love her?" Mattie asked, looking very serious.

"Yes," Harm finally answered after a long pause, but still looking down.

"How come you aren't dating her anymore - is it because of me? Are you afraid to bring a girl home?"

"No. Look, I'll... keep it simple for you. Mac and I have never been able to... close the divide. I guess it goes back to what I said earlier. Not having closure. But we're working on it."

****

Harm suddenly realized that he'd made quiet an admission to Mattie Grace

To be continued...