Daenar's JAG Fanfiction

Graphic by Steph

Full Moon

Author: Daenar (daenarchurill@yahoo.de)
Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount Pictures. 'Feels like Home' is property of Chantal Kreviazuk and Sony Music. No copyright infringement intended.

Rating: 12+
Category: Romance (H/M), Songfic

Summary: Harm and Mac have to share a hotel room again. Unfortunately for Mac, the moon is full and she tends to talk in her sleep...

Spoilers: Everything up to and including season 8.

Author's note: This story is dedicated to my dear friend and beta-reader Heather who pointed this beautiful song out to me in the first place. Merci mille fois, ma chère ! C'est pour toi. :o)

The song isn't supposed to play a major part in the story. It merely inspired me to writing this vignette. Listening to the lyrics, I could so hear Mac talking to Harm... Of course, she'd never address him this directly, so I needed to come up with a situation that would enable her to bare her soul that way... I know it's corny, but I can't help it. Sorry. :o)

**************************************************

'Feels like home' (Chantal Kreviazuk)

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself,
Makes me wanna lose myself in your arms,
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast,
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been,
And how long I've been so alone,
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along,
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me,
It feels like I'm all the way back to where I come from,
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me,
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street,
And a siren wails in the night,
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me,
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me,
And how long I've waited for your touch,
And if you knew how happy you are making me,
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

*************************************************

2321 Local
Desert Inn
Yuma, Arizona

Sighing, Harm admitted to himself that he felt strangely upset. He knew he should have been grateful that, given the fact that they had to share a room for the night, theirs was a two-bed room, not a double room. They had been lucky to find accommodation outside the base at all. In Yuma, arriving on short notice was lethal if you wanted to be comfortable during your stay.

Harm was angry with the receptionist - who was entirely innocent and didn't have a clue about the grudge one of her guests was holding against her- just because she had, with the sweetest smile, apologized for not being able to offer them two single rooms, but that luckily, the one room available wasn't one with a conjugal bed, but with two single beds instead. Surely that would be acceptable for both of them?

Harm had felt a sting when he had noticed the relieved expression that had immediately settled on Mac's face. As if she had been outright scared at the prospect of sleeping too close to her best friend. So there was something going on between her and Webb after all. Not that he could blame her. He had been away for a few months after they had returned from Paraguay. He had had to leave her alone for some time - it had taken him a long time and a lot of effort to get his job back. Luckily, he had succeeded. The Navy would again be the one constant in his life, now that Mac was out of reach.

He had plastered a smile on his face, careful to keep his distance as they had moved into their room. Now, waiting for Mac to finish preparing for the night, Harm was sitting on his (comfortable, as he grudgingly admitted) single bed, glancing over to where she would soon be cuddled into her comforter. Wishing there wasn't a yard's distance in between them. Once more, he told himself to bury those thoughts for good. If, after all those years of knowing each other, Mac's vegetative reaction to not sharing a bed with him was one of spontaneous relief, this would be all the indication he ever needed as to how she felt about him. She had found her happiness with someone else. And he needed to make his peace with it.

With another melancholy sigh, Harm stretched his long frame best as was possible and turned his head so he saw the full moon outside. Its light shone like liquid silver, painting the whole room a shade of a pale fairytale-like white. 'As romantic as it gets,' Harm thought sadly.

He didn't turn around when he heard a door creaking, then the rustle of sheets at his side. Just yet, he didn't want to risk seeing her in that white silk nightgown again.

"'Night, Mac," he murmured into the dark.

"Yeah... 'night," Mac answered in a low voice. An uneasy silence stretched in the room until, after a few minutes, she spoke up again.

"Uhm... Harm?"

His gaze stayed fixed to the moon, huge and milky white in the pitch-black sky. "Yeah?"

Mac's voice held a self-conscious undertone. "I just wanted to apologize beforehand... in case I won't let you sleep."

A slight frown crept onto Harm's features. "What do you mean?"

"The moon," she said, clearly uncomfortable. "Clay told me I tend to talk in my sleep when the moon is full."

"Really?" he stated softly, trying to keep his tone light instead of letting show how much the idea of Webb sharing a bed with Mac affected him. "Should be interesting." From her exasperated breath he knew she could hear the smile in his voice. He was well aware that teasing her about what she had just told him might be the worst he could do right now. Still, it helped him to overcome his own gloomy state of mind to some degree. He knew that their friendship was firm, and it wasn't as if he had anything to lose that went beyond it.

Mac had apparently come to the same conclusion. Her next words held audible traces of her smile, easing the tension to an almost comfortable level of comradeship. "It's not that warm outside, you know, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to pull your comforter over your head and ears and promise me it'll stay there."

"I'll do my best," he acknowledged with a wistful chuckle. "Sweet dreams."

"Gee, thanks," she softly replied. "'Night."

For a few moments, his smile stayed in place as he imagined hers - like an outward reflection of the sparkle in her eyes that was now hidden behind her closed eyelids. She didn't know how beautiful she was, did she? His expression sobered as he, too, closed his eyes, relaxing and hoping sleep would soon come to him and release him from his constant stream of melancholy thoughts. Too many 'what if's' at night weren't beneficial.

**********

The fact that the moon had moved a good deal to the right told him that he must have been asleep for some time. Now, however, something had woken him. He listened into the night, trying to determine what it might have been.

A low moan from the right, accompanied by an indistinct mumble, immediately made him get the picture. Obviously, Clay had been right. Mac seemed to be dreaming, the moon rendering her dream more vivid still. Harm felt his conscience stir as he turned to lie on his right side, watching her from across the gap that opened between their beds. He felt like he was invading her privacy, forcing her to share thoughts and feelings she might want to keep buried in her very own mental sanctuary. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to turn away again.

Her comforter had partly slid from her chest, revealing to him that she wasn't wearing her white nightgown - but a dark satin gown instead, cut very low to her bust. The fabric was shimmering in the moonlight that made her bare skin glow. Mac's lips were slightly parted as she breathed, moving every now and then, forming low, indistinct syllables.

Harm's heart beat heavily as he quietly watched her sleeping. No chance to even take her in his arms, the gap between the two beds prevented it. He wouldn't have been in the position to claim physical contact anyway. But what wouldn't he give right now to have her close? She seemed more like an apparition, conjured up by his imagination, than a real human being. Resolving that apparently, he wasn't totally awake, and afraid to lose this beautiful dream if he kept on thinking, Harm closed his eyes again, ready to give in to his dreams.

The picture was gone. All was pitch black.

While he was still contemplating if to open his eyes and risk waking up in full, his breath suddenly caught in his throat and his eyelids flew open, sparing him the decision. This time, her words had been distinct even though her voice was barely more than a whisper.

"... your eyes... there's something... look at me..."

Harm felt a shiver running down his spine and he involuntarily held his breath. Never in his life had he heard a voice as sensual as this. Mesmerized, he gazed at her sleeping form, hoping, no, praying she would go on talking.

"...I'll lose myself..." Mac sighed in her sleep, shifting her position a little. "Take me in your arms... please..." she begged in a low voice, "Please, make it last..."

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment and slowly letting the air stream out of his lungs, Harm realized he was becoming obsessed with a single thought: did Webb know how fortunate he was to be the one who inspired such feelings in her? A sharp sting of jealousy made him grit his teeth.

Mac lifted her right arm and laid it across her eyes, still in deep sleep. Her velvety voice was the acoustic equivalent to the silvery moonlight, making Harm's heart ache with a longing he knew would never be stilled.

"... so lonely... always... lonely..." She rolled slightly to her left, a smile lighting up her expression. "...not anymore... you're here..." she sighed. "...feels like home..."

For a few moments she lay still, the quiet rising and falling of her chest the only movement detectible in the room. Harm couldn't take his eyes off her. In his mind, her words kept turning round and round. 'Please, make it last... feels like home...' This time, he was going to lose her for good, he realized, biting his lip to prevent it from trembling.

All of a sudden, Mac began to fidget, tossing around and moaning. Her sweet dreams of just a few minutes ago seemed to have left her, only to be replaced by a nightmare.

"No... the window..." she ground out, "it broke... God, no..." Her movements grew more frantic still. "No!" she cried with a sob. "There, down the street... no, don't go there, don't... oh, the sirens... noooo..."

Apparently, her subconscious was mixing into her dream some of the horrors she had been forced to witness. Harm couldn't stand it any longer. Every fiber of his body screamed to him to help her, ease her pain, whatever it was she was seeing. Swiftly, he swung his legs out of bed and needed only half a step to reach her bedside. Hesitating only for the fraction of a second, he sat down on her bed and gently gathered her into his embrace, making her back rest against his chest as he leaned back against the wall into a half-seated position. She was caught up in her dream far too deeply to notice. He carefully caressed her hair, her shoulders, her arms, until she quieted down and relaxed against him.

He knew he should tuck her in now and let her recover, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to let go of her. For so long he had yearned for this kind of closeness. 'Just a few more seconds,' he apologized to his conscience, when suddenly Mac spoke up once more. In her dream, she shifted her position a little and actually seemed to lean into his embrace, making him stiffen with surprise and fear.

"... if you knew..." she murmured contently.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, Harm whispered, "What? If I knew what, Mac?" Maybe she would hear the man in her dream speak his words. People tended to integrate outside influences into their dreams as long as those influences weren't strong enough to really wake them. If her dream partner made her go on talking, she might be able to work through whatever buried traumatic experiences her nightmare had arisen from. If it served the healing process, Harm was ready and willing to lend his voice and words even to Mac's dream version of Clayton Webb.

"... I've so waited for this... you touching me like this..."

Harm closed his eyes and sighed in defeat as a wave of disappointment threatened to drown him. But he never let go of her. He would be Webb if she needed him to. Even if it killed him.

Resolving to be her anchor, if only in her dream, he tightened his embrace. He immediately regretted his mistake, though, as he felt her stiffen. 'Please, God, don't let her wake,' he prayed fervently. The embarrassment of having her see him comforting her when he wasn't entitled to... As he was still holding his breath and watching her anxiously for any sign that would tell him whether she was still asleep or not, her breathing returned to flowing deeply and evenly. He relaxed.

The slightest of smiles lit up her expression. Apparently she was with Webb once again. "I love you so much..." she sighed softly.

She loved him.

This was even worse than when she had been engaged to Mic - she'd never have said those words to him. In some way, Harm had always cherished the hope that he himself might one day be the man to whom she'd direct this very phrase. Now, the first time he'd actually heard her say the words, his hope was shattered into a million pieces.

"God knows I love you, too, Mac..." he couldn't help replying, clearly not impersonating anyone else but himself this time.

In his embrace, Mac stirred and mumbled something indistinct.

"What, Mac?" Harm softly encouraged her. She needed to get this out or the emotions would grow until they'd eventually crush her.

"Harm..."

It took him a moment to fully understand that she was talking to him. "Mac..." he only whispered, a little breathless.

"This feels so right, Harm" she murmured, "Like I'm home..."

With a start, he realized that this time, her speech had been more coherent than before. He looked at her and found her absentmindedly watching him through her long eyelashes. Her smile showed that she was at peace with the world. It was evident that she was only half awake. Fighting the urge to kick something in exasperation and despair, Harm decided that the only fair thing to do was to wake her up in full. As fervently as he longed to hear her say it again, he owed her the chance to end this embarrassing situation.

He let go of her and pulled back as she snuggled into her pillow. Then he gently touched her shoulder.

"Mac... hey, Mac..." he called her in a low voice.

An expression of confusion settled on her face as her surroundings came into focus. "Oh... what..." The self-conscious smile appeared again. "I told you I wouldn't let you sleep, didn't I?"

"You were right." He nodded.

"Did I talk in my sleep again?"

"Yes, you did," he confirmed, a sad smile playing on his features as he remembered what she had said.

"What did I say?" Mac propped herself up on one elbow, staring at him inquisitively.

"Oh, nothing special," he answered a little too quickly.

Mac gave him a sweet little pout. "Come on, what did I say?"

"You talked about feeling at home."

"Did I address anyone in particular?" she asked, suddenly wary.

Harm didn't know what to say - he didn't want to lie to her but couldn't interfere with her relationship with Webb, either. "I guess you were seeing Clay," he tried his escape, avoiding her glance.

"Harm." The tone of her voice ordered him to meet her eyes. Reluctant, he complied. When she continued, her voice shook ever so slightly. "Please, tell me, did I mention any names?"

"Yeah, you did," he admitted in a low voice.

"Whose?" With a fearful expression, her eyes implored him to be honest.

"Mine," he answered.

To his astonishment, he saw fresh tears well up in her eyes. "Mac," he began, confused, "What...?"

She closed her eyes, making a tear escape from under her eyelid. "So it was real..." she whispered, sounding overwhelmed and scared at the same time.

"What?" he urged her to elaborate, unable to stand the tension her behavior was causing in his soul.

She hesitated a little, as if deciding how much she should let him know. "I was dreaming you were holding me," she eventually explained in a self-conscious murmur. "I remember telling you that I loved you and you said you loved me, too..." Her eyes popped open and with a scared expression, she brusquely sat up. "You did say that, didn't you?"

There was no use covering up his lapse. "Yes, I did," Harm admitted, defeated "Listen, Mac, I'm sorry. I won't get in the way of your happiness..."

Mac stared at him. "Harm," she pleaded in a shaky voice, "If you mean Clay, there's nothing going on between us. You have to believe me!"

A few seconds passed in strained silence, before she added, lower still, "I told you the truth, from a certain point of view, that is."

"A certain point of view?" He frowned.

"I really was dreaming you were holding me... because it felt like I was in a dream... I knew you'd let go of me if you knew I wasn't sleeping. I hoped you wouldn't notice, but I... I was awake when I said those words."

Harm sat thunderstruck. "You were..." He gaped at her.

Mac squeezed her eyes shut, turning her face away from him. "Please, say you meant it," she choked out in a whisper that was nearly suffocated by her rising tears. "Being in your arms felt like home," she forced herself to go on, to make her point, to convince him. "Harm, please, I want this to last..."

As an emotional tidal wave washed over him with primal force, Harm for the first time allowed himself to hope again. He swallowed heavily. "I meant it."

"Oh, God..." Her soft cry was one of pure joy. She turned and firmly wrapped her arms around him, drawing him down with her. She buried her face on his chest and he felt the moisture of her tears as sobs of overwhelming relief shook her body.

Harm caressed her back and head until her sobs subsided. When his hands stilled, she sighed. "Please, don't stop," she whispered, "I've been forever waiting for this to happen."

'God Almighty, this can't be true.' He felt himself tense while at the same time, desire was starting to build up inside his body with a force previously unknown to him. A strange mixture of fear and elation paralyzed him completely.

She must have become aware of the change her utterance had caused within him. She lifted her head off his chest, looking at him, eyes wide. "You do want me, right?" she asked, suddenly sounding shy and afraid. "You don't want to continue as friends?"

Finally understanding that the gap that separated them was just as easily closed as that between the two beds, Harm relaxed in her embrace and gave her the most heartfelt smile that was in him. "I do want to continue as friends," he told her, only to go on immediately as he saw her expression cloud, "But our friendship will only serve as a basis for so much more, Sarah. If it is really me you want..."

"It is you, Harm," she hurriedly cut in, "It's always been you."

If it was possible, his smile widened even more. He drew a determined breath. "Okay, I'll tell you something... Being with you feels like home for me, too," he said softly, placing a chaste kiss on her lips. "You know, somehow, this feels like..." he sobered, his gaze melting into hers. "I don't know how to explain... it's like... like I'm all the way back where I belong."

She moved to find a comfortable position in his arms. "Then right here is where I belong, too," she stated. "If you knew..."

"What?"

"How happy you're making me, Harm," she whispered.

He pulled her tight, now swallowing his very own tears of joy. "Believe me," he answered in a whisper that was lower still, "Believe me, Mac, I know."

THE END

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