Inspired by Love

Author: Daenar (daenarchurill@yahoo.de)
Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended.

Rating: 12+
Category: Romance (H/M), missing scene / follow-up to the season-four episode 'Nobody's Child'

Many, many thanks to Heather for beta-reading!

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Previously: After having rescued Darlyn Lewis from abandonment, Harm visits the grave of her twin sister Annie where there's now a tombstone with her name on it. Harm, deeply moved and with tears in his eyes, places flowers on the grave and tells Annie that he found her sister, that Darlyn is safe and that she can rest in peace. Then, still fighting his tears, he rises and walks away, all alone.

*****

Cemetery parking lot

[Mac's POV]

 

Dear God, I can't bear the sight.

It's not that I've never seen him cry before. I can still remember how the first time I saw him in tears knocked me off the track. Back on the Hornet, when he'd found the prisoners list with his father's name on it. The Invincible Harmon Rabb, crying helplessly, completely overwhelmed by his emotions. For a moment, I was paralyzed - he had just all but turned my world upside down. People like me are supposed to cry. Heroes like him just don't.

Russia. That was when I actually felt guilty about his tears. Because my translation of Pitcha's words brought them on. How I longed to just take him in my arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay... knowing that it wasn't true. Sure, in some way things were going to be okay. Harm had found closure about his dad - but his grief about having finally arrived at the end of his odyssey, only to find him dead, tore at my soul.

And here we go again.

Harm is walking towards us. His eyes are red-rimmed and he's pressing his lips shut, trying to bite back his tears. I know he wants to appear strong. For Darlyn. She hasn't seen him yet. She's sitting on the back seat of our JAG sedan, her head buried in Agent Holland's lap. She's so afraid of what we came out here for and she needs him. Harm knows she does. And that's what makes it harder still.

He has spotted us. He stops, looks up and draws a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. Then he pastes a hint of a smile to his face and sets off to meet us. I swallow. He tries to hide his emotions but I can see right through him. And what I see makes my gut wrench and my heart goes out to him. Once again...

Once again I'm amazed at the tender disposition of this man. You would think that a fighter pilot had nerves of steel. And he couldn't be the star lawyer he is without an iron will and a thick skull. Yet, whenever a child is involved, somewhere behind that well-set mask of self-confidence and flyboy arrogance you can spot a glimpse of a personality that belies his usual cocky appearance. Harmon Rabb is a man who loves deeply. A man who would go through hell and back for those dear to him. A man who will one day make a wonderful father. The kind of father I would want for my own children. The man I would want at my side...

Where did that come from?

Oh, come on, Mackenzie, stop denying your feelings. It's not the first time you've felt that Harm could be your 'nice man'.

I draw a decided breath and get out of the car. "Hey, you okay?" is all I manage in a low, compassionate voice as Harm joins me. My hand somehow finds its way to his shoulder and his expression softens just a little bit.

"Yeah..." It comes out more a sigh, but the look he gives me is one of gratitude.

Just when the moment stretches awkwardly, he remembers whom I'm here with and opens the car door. Immediately, a little whirlwind with dark locks jumps out and tightly hugs his long leg.

"Harm!"

He kneels down and engulfs Darlyn in a tight bear hug. "Hey, baby," he answers softly.

Darlyn draws back a little and looks at him earnestly. The tearstains on her cheeks are hard to miss but Harm ignores them. Agent Holland has left the car and joined me. In mutual understanding, we remain silent, trying to fade into the background. This moment is just for Harm and the little girl in front of him.

"Harm, where is Doctor Terry?" Darlyn asks with the slightest dose of reproach in her voice.

"She needs to work today," Harm explains, "But she told me to tell you hello from her."

"I want her here," Darlyn complains in a low voice. "Not them," she adds with a nod in our direction.

A nod that hurts. I bite my lower lip. Suddenly I'm aware of how I long to be a part of the bond Harm shares with the poor creature. I refuse to believe this is just hormones... no, it runs way deeper than that.

Damn. Harm has just looked in our direction and seen me avert my glance. I guess the hurt must have shown on my face. Now I can't take my eyes away from his that shine with understanding and tell me he's sorry for what Darlyn said. Oh, why must I always be this obvious! My cheeks are burning.

"Darlyn," Harm addresses the sniffling girl in front of him, "I want you to meet someone."

Oh, no, please... wait - why am I suddenly afraid to face them? Breathe, Mac, breathe...

Easier said than done. Agent Holland is sensitive enough to understand that right now, she isn't needed. She quietly retreats to the car and closes the door. Now it's just Harm and Darlyn and me. And I find the situation is intimidating me to a scary degree.

Harm stands in front of me with Darlyn on his arm. Her arms are wrapped around his neck and her head is leaning against his, making all our eyes meet at more or less the same level. All of a sudden they are so close to me...

Isn't this exactly what I was wishing for just moments ago? I don't know anymore. Right now I'm not sure I can handle the emotions.

Harm's eyes radiate kindness but they're still red-rimmed and I can see the underlying pain.

"Darlyn, this is Major Mackenzie. She's my best friend on earth."

The girl stares at him, wide-eyed. "Better than Doctor Terry?"

Harm nods. And I can't fight the smile.

"Why? Doctor Terry is awfully nice."

Harm earnestly looks at Darlyn. "Yes, she is, but Major Mac is always there for me when I need her. You know, when I'm sad or when I need someone to help me, I know I can rely on her. And she wants to be your friend, too."

Now two pairs of bright eyes are staring into mine. Blue-green side by side with large brown ones. All I can do is nod.

Harm sets Darlyn down on her feet as I hold out my hand with a smile. "Why don't we let Harm show us where your sister is?" I ask softly.

Darlyn looks up at me, then at Harm for reassurance. When he sets off in the direction of Annie's grave, looking over his shoulder to make us follow him, the girl grabs my hand. "Okay," she murmurs, her eyes never leaving mine as we walk after Harm.

God, this is hard. This little girl has been through so much. Compared to her fate, my own was an easy lot. I had a home. I had a father and a mother, at least when I was her age. Okay, sometimes my home felt like hell on earth. But I was never hungry.

She just lost the one human being that was probably closest to her of all. I lost someone close to me, too, but that was her decision. I had a right to be angry and it helped. All Darlyn can feel about Annie is the terrible loss. I so want to take her in my arms and chase away the grief that is shadowing her face. Yet, this is not my call.

We walk in silence until Harm stops at a simple, gray tombstone. 'Annie Lewis'. I release Darlyn's hand and stay back a little as she walks the last yards on her own until she stands motionless, staring at the carved words.

Harm steps up to my side, answering my surprised glance with a sad smile. He's standing closer to me than he normally would. As if my closeness were the shelter he's been searching for. The thought warms my heart. You'll always find shelter with me, Harm. You know that, don't you? Yes, you do - you just told Darlyn.

The girl turns around and looks at the two of us, uneasy. But just as I feel Harm take a breath to ask her what's troubling her, she speaks up. Addressing me.

"Major Mac?"

I kneel to be at her height. Harm just watches, seeming content somehow.

"Yes?"

"Is Annie really down there?" Her eyes tell me that she seriously doubts it.

I nod. "Yes. This is where you can always come and meet with her."

Darlyn's expression turns pained. "But how do you know she's really here? What if they made a mistake? What if there's someone else lying here and I'll never know where she is?"

"She's here, I promise." I take her hands in mine. "Close your eyes and try to sort your feelings. Can you feel her?"

Squeezing her eyes shut in the hardest concentration, Darlyn even holds her breath, trying to connect with Annie. After a few seconds, she starts breathing again and sadly shakes her head, suppressing a sob. "No... I mean... for a second I thought she was there but then... oh, Major Mac, I miss her so much!" she suddenly blurts out, tearing up. "I didn't want her to die!"

Now I draw her in a firm embrace, holding on to her until her sobs fade away. "I know, honey," I tell her again and again, stroking her head, "I know you miss her."

Eventually, she draws back and fixes her grieved glance to mine. "I wish I could take the stone with me," she states in a low voice. "So I would have something that belonged to her. I have nothing left of her..."

Thank you, God, for the idea I had before I set off to pick her and Agent Holland up. I might just be able to soften this pained expression of hers that makes her look older than she is.

"Leave the stone where it can remind everyone of the wonderful little girl that rests right here," I reply gently. "But you know what? Sometimes, it's small objects that can keep memories alive for a long time. Because you can take them with you everywhere you go. Harm lost his daddy when he was very young, you know?"

Darlyn throws Harm a wide-eyed glance. He nods and when she focuses her attention back on me, he gives me a quizzical frown. He's unsure about where I'm headed with this. I smile reassuringly.

His features relax instantly. Wow. I wasn't aware to what an extent he trusts me. If I weren't already kneeling I'd have to settle down right now. I'm not so sure anyone is able to stand the gentle scrutiny of Harm's eyes. Well, I'm not. I turn my eyes back to Darlyn's.

"One day, Harm found a bracelet of his dad's and he kept it and never took it off until when he found out what happened to him. Through the bracelet, his dad was with him wherever he went," I explain. "Would you like to have something that belonged to Annie that's so small you can always carry it around?"

I know, I know - rhetorical question. However, Darlyn nods, eyes wide.

I reach into my pocket and pull out the master chief's insignia that Annie held in her hand when she died. Luckily Agent Holland could pull a few strings when I called her. The small gold pin wasn't needed as evidence anymore - but it's needed here and now.

"Look, this belonged to Annie." I place the pin in Darlyn's hands.

"And now she's with me?" Darlyn whispers almost reverently, studying the tiny object.

I smile. "Yes, she is," I confirm - with more conviction than I'm feeling but she needn't know that. Please, God, let it help her come to terms. Please.

Where did the sunray come from now?

Then I become aware it's not a sunray that's lighting up my day. Darlyn smiles. And such a beautiful smile it is, making her eyes sparkle.

"Major Mac?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you're Harm's best friend."

This has to be the most beautiful compliment I ever got.

So am I, Darlyn, so am I - I only wish I was more still. But I'd be foolish to hope for anything else. After all, he's got a beautiful woman in his life.

Phew. Now I'm fighting my tears. No, don't look at Harm now, don't...Too late. My gaze is drawn to his like a magnet. Our eyes meet and hold. And there's something in his expression that...

Don't go there, Mac.

Still, I'll go to bed tonight knowing that I'm in his heart. And always will be, somehow I'm sure of that. A special place for a special friend. True, I might never be anything else to him.

But right now, I feel incredibly rich.

*****

[Harm's POV]

 

Someone hand me a camera!

This picture is so perfect. I'll have to try and memorize it best as I can. Great God, I'm so glad she came along. Coming out here all by myself was hard enough. I absolutely needed to, though. I had to tell Annie that her sister is safe now. Teresa understood at once that Annie kept calling out to me. And I won't deny it. She did. But now she doesn't need to anymore. I found her sister. Just in time.

I dreaded showing this spot to Darlyn. What would it do to her when it did so much to me already? I wouldn't have known what to tell her. Those huge eyes of hers would have looked at me, imploring me for answers that I'm sure would have failed me right then.

Mac has them. And I'm completely mesmerized by the way she interacts with Darlyn. I've never pictured her as a mother. She's an impressive Marine, one hell of a lawyer, the best of friends - but knowing her personal history, the thought of her as a family person just never occurred to me.

God, I must have been one blind jerk.

She'll be the best of godmothers for Bud's and Harriet's child. I'm suddenly as sure of that as I am of anything.

And just as unexpectedly, I'm convinced of something else. Something that I maybe even suspected for a long time.

Just how many thoughts about my partner must have been circling in my subconscious? This is scary...

Anyway, I think - no, I know - that Sarah Mackenzie is a person with a deeply loving heart. Suddenly, the thought of being loved by her appears to me like the rarest of treasures.

Help!

I know I care for her but this is definitely a new dimension.

Gracious, it's getting scarier still: a fleeting image just crossed my mind. For the first time ever, I could picture myself as a father. Even though I already got a glimpse of the role with Josh, this picture was a new one. And most surprising of all: the mother to the child in my arms wasn't Jordan.

It was Mac.

Sarah Mackenzie and I. Her looks, my brains - a perfect little human being. And perfect happiness.

I force my attention back to the woman kneeling on the grass and explaining to the girl in front of her what the little gold pin is supposed to mean to her. And suddenly reality hurts cruelly.

Mac is my best friend but she has never given any indication whatsoever that she would want to be anything else to me. So who am I to assume that she might one day be the mother of my children?

Reality gets back at me harder still. I remember the one time I overstepped the boundaries of being her partner and friend. The kiss we shared in Norfolk... I don't know exactly if I was seeing Diane in her - or kissing Sarah Mackenzie. For having saved my soul. For... being herself.

The gentle contact is burning on my lips. Okay, Rabb, admit it. Right now you'd do anything to be able to take her in your arms and revive the feeling.

Dammit. The picture of Mac as mother of my child won't be chased. I can't get it out of my head. With each passing moment, especially seeing her with Darlyn, it imprints itself further on my brain.

Whoa... Now I know I'm going insane. I've just had the craziest idea that ever invaded a human brain. It was an inspiration of the moment, brought on by my feelings.

I know she doesn't see me as a partner in life. But what if I told her that we might still have a family together one day if there's no one in either of our lives who meets the criteria to be a parent? We're not growing any younger.

Forget it. This is nothing any reasonable person would ever agree to.

Pity, it would have been such a nice, happy thought to cling to.

Oh, those eyes... Mac is looking at me because of something Darlyn just said. I'll have to work on being immune to this look. Or continuing as friends will get too hard to take.

Friends.

Come on, Rabb, stop pitying yourself. You can be forever thankful to have a best friend like her. Rejoice in the good things!

As to my heart - she'll always have it.

And maybe, just maybe, one day a situation might present itself where even the most audacious of propositions can be made.

I'll be sure to watch out for that moment. I swear.

 

THE END

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