‘Reaching for Sarah’s Soul’ – Part Two
Author: Daenar
Disclaimer: See Part One
This story is set in the middle of season 7, just after ‘Answered Prayers’.
Chapter Four
Deep silence followed the sentence. Mechanically, Harm reached for a nearby chair and settled down at her bedside, his eyes never leaving hers. She was obviously waiting for an answer and seemed to be searching his face for some hint as to what kind of answer she was about to get from him. Embarrassment and curiosity were shining in her eyes – but they were mingled with a considerable amount of anxiety as the moment was dragging out and she couldn’t seem to get her thoughts straight.
Harm’s vocal chords refused their duties and just like her, he had to clear his throat several times, prolonging the moment even more. But the urge to speak was overwhelming, and he forced his voice to comply, regardless of any possible consequences.
He tried a strained smile, if only to hide his own inward turmoil. “Mac, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what a pain in the...”
He stopped short when he realized that the anxiety in her eyes had turned to despair. And it was then that it hit him for good: she really and truly didn’t remember a single thing about him. It didn’t matter that her injury apparently hadn’t caused any major physical damage. And it didn’t matter that this loss of memory had more likely been caused by the traumatic events she’d been through than by the bullet that had grazed her head. The result of whatever had caused it was devastating. The way she looked at him – daring him to assume he had any right whatsoever to claim a personal acquaintance, and at the same time frantically calling out to him to save her from the horror of oblivion, whoever he might be...
Utterly unprepared for this situation as he was, one thing instantly became crystal clear before his conscious: to win her back, he had to keep his distance. He would help her with every single step on the way if she’d let him, but he knew he had to keep his feelings to himself at all costs. Mac was as lost as she could ever be and she was right now facing the battle of her lifetime to come back to herself. Not ‘even though’, but ‘because’ he loved her more than anything in the world, he had to avoid telling her anything that would throw her off track even more.
He still remembered how he had felt when he had come to after his rescue from the Atlantic and Renée had told him that they had been an item for more than a year. The only thing he had wanted had been to figure out his situation and she had only added to his confusion – because she had loved him and had told him so. He had felt honor-bound to stay with her, and not only because Mac had been with Mic at the time. It had mostly been because he had believed what Renée had told him. Why would she lie about something as important as a personal relationship? And how could he have left her like that, seeing how involved she obviously was with him? He hadn’t wanted to stay with Renée, but he had known he couldn’t just walk out of her life. So, knowing Mac to be equally honorable – wouldn’t she react in exactly the same way? When she’d have him around all the time, helping her through this ordeal, and knowing he loved her, wouldn’t she stay with him, even though she didn’t remember anything at all about him, just because she felt she was honor-bound to?
If he’d ever let it come to this, their future would be doomed.
Unbeknownst to the person next to him who was still staring at him with huge, terrified eyes, Harmon Rabb, Jr., made what might easily be the hardest decision of his entire life. Even though it was tearing him up from inside with a pain so powerful he thought he’d suffocate, he knew it was the right – no, the only – thing to do.
He let her go.
“Umm... sir?” Mac’s hoarse voice had taken up a puzzled edge as she carefully reminded him of her presence.
He jumped and, shutting his heart off for good, faced her with a tired half-smile. “Oh, I’m sorry. I... I’m still very tired because of my injury and I... uh... I guess I was indeed surprised that my colleague of six years doesn’t remember me at all.”
If it was even possible, her eyes went wider still, but the desperation showing in them lessened just a little bit, hearing that she apparently did know him quite well. “Six years?” she asked, more to herself than to him. Then her brow furrowed. “An injury, you say? Does what happened to you have anything to do with me?”
“Yes, it does,” he explained calmly, pondering how much he could tell her without losing her somewhere on the way. Then, deciding he’d probably have to go back quite a long way anyway, he took the plunge. He’d soon find out if she remembered anything at all. “We were rescuing little AJ, Chloe and Sergei when the kidnappers opened fire. You were hit four times, to your thigh, at your shoulder and at your hip, and a ricochet grazed the back of your head. I got a bullet to my thigh as well, when I tried to get you out of the line of fire.”
He knew his explanation had done anything but cleared things up for her but this was as good a starting point as any, so he just waited for her to react.
“Good God...” she mumbled and he thought he could see her thoughts chasing each other behind her forehead. “So, I... I guess I owe you my life, then,” she concluded a little uneasily.
Knowing any denial would only distort the truth, he just nodded. “You’re welcome.”
The furrow on her brow eased a little and she seemed to take in his features. The features of her savior, whoever he might turn out to be. “Thank you... uh...” She stopped, lost.
“Harm,” he helped her in a low voice, trying to ignore the sting. “Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr., United States Navy, your working partner at the Navy’s Judge Advocate General Corps.”
“I’m in the Navy?”
Despite the tragedy, he couldn’t help chuckling a little at her question. “You’d have introduced me to your right hook if I’d ever so much as joked about you being in the Navy, jarhead,” he answered wistfully, lost in memories.
“Excuse me?” Even though her voice was feeble, her surprise and annoyance were evident. “What did you just call me? Are you always this rude? And what makes you think I’d start a fight with you? I’m not suicidal, you know...”
Sighing, Harm pulled himself up a little in his chair and resolved to take up Sisyphus’s labor. “I’m sorry, Mac... I... why don’t we just go all the way back to the beginning?” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, a flashback to the JAG-a-thon crossed his mind for a fleeting moment, and the irony wasn’t lost on him. However, he had no time to dwell on the thought as just then the door opened and the doctor returned with two colleagues and a nurse in tow.
“Well, Colonel Mackenzie, it’s nice to have you with us again,” he said a little too cheerfully, ignoring Harm. “How are you feeling?”
“I don’t really know,” came the uneasy answer.
“But we do,” the doctor went on in his honeyed voice. “We had all your vitals monitored closely, you know, until last night when we decided you were stable enough to go without help, except for the additional oxygen tube to your nose. But what would you say if we took that tube away, too, and moved you to a somewhat nicer room? The ICU’s not exactly cozy. I guess you’d like to leave here as soon as you can.”
Mac gave a weary “Sounds good,” but Harm could clearly detect the ‘Damned-right-I-do!’ in her words. In an odd way, this ever so slight reminder of her gung-ho mentality managed to alleviate his mood a little. She was still Mac. Now she only needed to learn who Mac was.
Jan. 10th
0017 ZULU
Admiral Chegwidden’s house
McLean, Virginia
AJ put his book aside and quickly strode over to the telephone that was ringing persistently. Actually, it wasn’t ringing any differently from how it normally did, but still, there was something to the tone this time that had his apprehension growing. And knowing that a similar sense of foreboding normally came in connection with his chief of staff, AJ was sure that this call must have something to do with her. Dreading the news he might be about to receive, he picked up.
“Chegwidden.”
[“Sir, this is Commander Rabb.”]
AJ’s grip on the receiver tightened. He’d known it all along. “Commander, how’s the situation?” he asked warily.
[“She woke up, sir.”]
A wave of joy flowed through the admiral’s body. He hadn’t lost the woman he’d always loved like his own daughter – and at times maybe even more. “That’s wonderful, Harm,” he said, a sigh of relief resounding in his words.
[“Yes, sir.”]
The obvious lack of joy and enthusiasm in the younger man’s voice took him aback. “Commander,” he asked sharply, “What aren’t you telling me?”
The pause that followed the question made him hold his breath; all previous elation vanished instantly.
[“She’s got amnesia, sir.”]
The short, next-to-no-info answers of his subordinate started to infuriate him. “Details, Rabb,” he barked, taking refuge into anger so he wouldn’t have to face the fear. “What doesn’t she remember?”
[“Everything, it seems, sir...”] The commander’s voice had reduced to little more than a whisper and AJ could tell Harm was fighting to keep his composure. [“She even asked me if she knew me.”]
“Dear God... what are the chances she’ll get her memory back?”
[“No one can tell, sir. I’ve been told that judging by her physical state, the memory loss is more likely the result of her traumatic experiences in connection with the hit at the head. The doctor says we should be grateful the bullet only grazed the skull and that she’s awake and moving. That she’s thinking and speaking seems to be a miracle in itself.”]
AJ slowly sat down on the couch, horrified – and hurting for both of his friends. Both were facing a dreadful ordeal – Mac, fighting to get some hold on anything from her former life, and Harm, seeing his love had forgotten he even existed.
His love. AJ braced himself. He hated to intrude but he felt he had to know the truth if he wanted to be able to support them in some way. “Harm,” he ventured carefully, “Since when exactly have you and Mac been together?”
Harm didn’t even try to deny. [“New Year, sir,”] came the toneless answer. [“About an hour before Harriet’s call.”]
They hadn’t even had the time to get to know each other as lovers – emotionally as well as physically. AJ’s heart went out to them. Mac’s bottomless grief about Harm being lost at sea was still vivid in his memory. Back then, she’d been about to marry another man. But now, she and Harm seemed to have – finally – managed to lay all the cards on the table and talk from the heart. He couldn’t even begin to understand what Harm had to be going through.
AJ wished he were able to help them wake from this nightmare, or to at least ease the pain somehow... and suddenly, it struck him. He could in fact do some genuine good here. And he would, so help him God.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, and I know that sounds terribly flat,” he began. “But I want you to know that we’re all in this with you. Me, Bud and Harriet, Sturgis – we’ll all do whatever we can to help you in some way.”
Harm’s voice conveyed a tired, rueful smile. [“Thank you, sir, I appreciate that, but I doubt there’s anything you can help us with right now – except figuring out a way how I can stay with Mac and not face AWOL charges. Or how I can ensure she’ll still have her old life to come back to once she gets there.”]
“As a matter of fact: that was exactly what I was getting at, Commander,” AJ replied. “I know it seems way too early to think of things as secondary as this, but I know how much it’ll mean to both of you. You’ll understand that I can’t prolong Mac’s leave indefinitely without revealing what happened. She could also resign her commission at once in this case, because no one would ever allow her to stay in the service if she doesn’t come back to her normal self within the next three weeks. If it takes longer than that, everyone will always suspect that some permanent brain damage occurred. And with that, she won’t be allowed to remain in the service at all.”
[“I guess not, sir.”] He could tell Harm hadn’t really considered this possibility before. He seemed shocked at the perspective of Mac facing a disability discharge. So AJ hurried to set his mind at ease.
“However, as for now, only me, you and the doctors know. You and I can keep this a secret, and the doctors are bound by medical confidentiality. We might need to tell a few trustworthy people later on, but if you could keep her from revealing her memory loss to anyone right now until she can leave the hospital, and if you could supply her with everything she’ll need to know immediately, then the memory loss might go unnoticed. Then, you’d just need to figure out a reason why she might want to go into reserves and retreat from active duty, for now, and talk her into signing that letter. If all goes well, she could be reinstated to her position without major problems whenever she’s ready.”
Again, silence reigned for a few seconds as his offer seemed to sink in at the other end of the phone line. When he finally answered, Harm’s voice was a little shaky. [“Thank you, sir,”] he only choked out very low.
“Anytime, son. And good luck,” AJ gently replied and ended the connection without any more words. He knew that probably neither of them would have been able to talk very much anyway right now.
Jan. 10th
1522 ZULU
Military hospital
Yuma, Arizona
When she heard the slight creaking of the door, the woman occupying the single bed instantly turned her head in the direction the sound was coming from, eager to absorb any detail whatsoever that might in some way give her an idea of who she was. As of now, she didn’t really know a thing. It felt as if she didn’t even exist – and the feeling was scaring her to no end.
She had gotten a few crumbs of information before she had been brought here, and had then been forced to give in to her exhaustion and sleep. When she had woken, the first thing she had felt was the fear that she might already have forgotten what little she had learned just a few hours ago. But then, wracking her brain – or whatever was left of it, she thought wearily – she had been able to put the information together. Still, it made no sense.
Her name was Mackenzie. Apparently, her friends called her Mac. If this Commander Rabb – Harm – really was a friend of hers. She had no way of knowing for sure. Her gut told her to trust him. The expression of concern and caring in his eyes had seemed ever so sincere. Yet, she knew she had to be careful. Right now, she was as vulnerable as a newborn child.
At least the doctor had confirmed something Harm had told her. He had called her ‘Colonel Mackenzie’ and then, this was a military hospital. She had figured out as much. So she really was in the military. If what Harm had told her was true, she had to be a Marine. There were no colonels in the Navy. She had asked herself again and again why she would know such general details as this and remember nothing about herself, and she had dug frantically for anything whatsoever that might point her to a more personal line of thinking. Yet, nothing had come of it. She had to stick to what Harm would be able to tell her.
If he was a commander and her working partner, she had to be a lieutenant colonel, she supposed. She doubted she could be ranking higher than him. Apparently, she was a lawyer. A frightening thought, given the fact that she couldn’t remember ever reading a law book. But she would worry about that later. For the moment, she accepted it as a given that she was Lieutenant Colonel “Mac” Mackenzie, a lawyer working with the Navy’s JAG. How she knew what JAG was anyway, she couldn’t tell. She just did.
And now this weird story about her and him saving someone and being shot – this was where she lost track of what was going on. Her life was no freaking movie, damn it. Lawyers didn’t chase kidnappers except if they were called Robert Redford in real life. She’d grill Harm on that one, she resolved, seeing him step into the room, a self-conscious smile on his face.
A handsome face it was, she had to admit, and a handsome appearance altogether. Surely he’d have women waiting in line. Definitely not her man. She knew she just hated those Don-Juan types, speaking in terms of relationships. Yet, if he was willing to help her and if they got on well at work, she could have had worse company in her current situation. Where was her family anyway? Harm was the only one who’d shown up yet.
He stepped close, pulled up a chair and sat down at her side, the self-conscious expression still in place. This surprised her a little – a man like him was supposed to be as sure of himself as anyone. But this would be another detail to be added to her getting-to-know list and stored for later. Now, her priorities were somewhat different.
“Hi, Marine,” he greeted her in a low, warm voice, startling her as she felt his words go right through to her soul. There was something about the sound of his voice that struck her, but she willed herself to ignore the feeling. ‘Later,’ she told herself, frowning inwardly.
“Hey... umm...” she stopped, feeling her smile turn a little strained. How did one reply wittily to that one? “Uh... sailor?” she tried. His reaction told her she had picked the right guess – and for what followed, she was completely unprepared.
His face lit up. The way he smiled at her had to be the most stunning manifestation of a warm, likeable disposition she had ever seen. ‘Lethal,’ she mused, again picturing women lining up in front of his door. And yet – there was something so genuinely good and compassionate in his expression that she was instantly afraid she wouldn’t be able to be on her guard around him.
“I see you pardoned me for being rude earlier,” he remarked.
“Maybe...” she replied, finding it hard to keep the corners of her mouth relaxed. “But what was that you said to me anyway? Jarhead?”
His glance turned just a little guilty. “Yep,” he admitted sheepishly. “You know, you Marines and us sailors tend to... well... disagree on what’s more important – in war, in training, in... whatever. Each branch has its pride. So, to make a long story short, just call me ‘squid’ next time I forget my manners. So we’re equal.”
Soft laughter bubbled up inside her. This self-irony definitely suited him, she decided. “Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind.”
He chuckled with her, but sobered quickly. “How are you feeling?” he asked, concern showing in his eyes.
“I don’t really know,” she answered honestly, looking down on her hands and straightening a little in her half-seated position. “Confused as hell covers it nicely, I think.”
She saw him make a movement as if to take her hand but he drew back immediately. “I can imagine.” Again, the velvety sound of his voice easily penetrated the walls she was trying to erect around herself.
Looking up, she fixed her glance to his. His eyes were of an amazing shade of deep blue, with just the right amount of green shining through. “No,” she said calmly. “In fact, you can’t.”
“Actually, I do know how you feel,” he replied, leaving her staring at him in mild astonishment. “At least partly,” he continued. “Last May, I had to eject over the Atlantic and was out in the water for hours. When they finally found me, I was barely alive, and when I came to, I suffered partial amnesia for a few days.”
It seemed he had really been in her place, at least to some extent. “You ejected?” she asked, trying to get some order into the facts. “I thought you were a lawyer.”
With a rueful half-smile, he explained, “I am. I used to fly F-14s, but I caused a ramp strike in ’92, due to eye problems. So I changed designator.”
The expression on his features had turned just a little pained. She could feel there was more to the story... as there seemed to be more to just about everything she came across. Squaring her shoulders, she forced her focus back on the task at hand, getting to know herself. All details concerning her surroundings would follow later on. Still, one question had piqued her curiosity.
“Where was I when you were lost at sea, and afterwards, at the hospital? Was I with you?”
Again, she noted that his brow furrowed considerably as he seemed to ponder his answer. ‘He’s not being sincere,’ she thought sadly, wishing her impression of him were different.
“You had personal issues to tend to at the time,” he answered, his voice guarded. “And that prevented you from coming to the hospital very often. Still, you played an important role in bringing me back to myself.”
So he probably was just paying back what she had done for him back then, she mused. Yet, he was being a little too hesitant in answering her questions. Was he concerned that she might not be able to digest the info yet? Or what was there to conceal about her life?
Deciding on a slight change of topic, she swallowed her uneasiness best as she could. “That was probably far easier than what we’ve got at hand right now,” she stated in a low voice. “Your memory loss was partial, you said. Well, apparently, mine isn’t. I don’t even know my own name.” Her gaze dropped.
She gave a start when she felt his hand shyly touching her shoulder, asking her to look at him. Slowly, she lifted her gaze and what she saw in his eyes overwhelmed her with the depth of emotion he seemed to be trying to hide, but couldn’t. He seemed to have a truly compassionate heart. Somehow, this thought moved her deeply. “You’re going to be fine,” he answered just as low as she had spoken, intently looking at her. “If you’re willing to let me, I promise I’ll do everything in my power to help you come back to your normal self. Trust me, Sarah.”
Sarah.
She could feel goose-bumps at the back of her neck. ‘Sarah Mackenzie’ – the name didn’t feel familiar, but it did ring a bell somewhere deep inside her mind. A first step in the right direction? ‘Please, God, let me be right...’
Harm was still looking at her, studying her features for any signs of a reaction. Making an effort, she managed to force the slightest hint of a smile on her face. Then she held out her hand. “Nice to meet you, Harmon. I am Sarah.”
Confused, she noted that he swallowed heavily. “It’s Harm,” he repeated. “And you tell everyone to call you Mac. Maybe we should leave it at that?”
“Is it a problem for you to use my given name?” This man was turning out a real puzzle.
He ran a hand through his hair. “No, but...” Again, he hesitated, confirming her suspicion that she was getting an edited version of her story. Her anger growing, she spoke up.
“The truth. And not just this once, Harm. You understand ‘the whole truth and nothing but the truth’, don’t you? And don’t ask me how I knew that. I’ve got no f...reaking idea.”
He sighed, apparently resolving to give in. “It’s just that ‘Sarah’ is someone you tend to keep to yourself, Mac. ‘Mac’ is the one we’re all friends with. I didn’t think you’d want that to change just now.”
Boy, was this ever getting complex. She stifled an exasperated face. Well, this schizophrenia would stop from now on. She felt no need to get to know a multiple personality when one would do just fine. And somehow she knew she wanted to be Sarah. She didn’t know the bearer of the name – but she felt like Sarah was the one she was reaching out to.
“Actually, I do want it to change,” she declared determinedly, ignoring the flash of pain that crossed his features ever so briefly. Her jaw set, she again stuck out her hand to him. “Let’s try this again: I’m delighted to meet you, Harm.”
Hesitantly, he reached for her fingers and finally encircled them with his own, the warm contact instantly electrifying her. Still holding her gaze, he solemnly replied, “Believe me, Sarah, so am I.”
For a long moment, their eyes held. Then she felt she couldn’t stand the tension any longer and broke the contact – eyes as well as hands. While she was readjusting her blanket, she tried to get the conversation going again.
“Tell me, how exactly did we end up here?”
“Okay, I’ll try to make this short,” he began, pulling a photo out of his wallet and handing it to her. It was kind of an informal family photo, apparently very recent. In the middle was a couple, a young, slightly stout man with a blond woman, his wife, she supposed. The woman was holding a boy of about three years on her arms. To her right, a tall, balding man was towering over her. Next to him stood a handsome African-American. To the young man’s left, she spotted a woman with dark hair and big brown eyes, standing just next to Harm. Suddenly, her hand started to tremble. She knew this face.
“This is me, isn’t it?” she whispered.
“Yeah...” he softly acknowledged. Then his voice turned neutral. “The couple in the middle are Lieutenants Bud Roberts and Harriet Sims-Roberts. Bud is a lawyer and Harriet is an office executive. They’re colleagues of ours at JAG. As is this nice man here,” he indicated the African-American. “This is Commander Sturgis Turner, former submariner and now a JAG lawyer, too. Pal of mine back from Naval Academy. And this,” his finger moved to the last figure in the picture, “Is our commanding officer, Rear Admiral AJ Chegwidden. He passed his name on to this little guy,” he indicated the child on Harriet’s arms. “AJ Roberts, three years old, your and my godson.”
Sarah was touched. “He’s adorable.”
Harm nodded. “Yes, he is. And we love him very much, I can tell you that. Mac, uh... I’m sorry... Sarah... now we’re getting to the point.” His expression had turned very earnest and Sarah felt her apprehension grow as he went on, “Ten months ago, Bud and I prosecuted a Naval officer for murder and got him convicted to life at Fort Leavenworth, the armed forces’ prison. You were assigned his defense counsel and when he was found guilty, he swore he’d get back at us. He did, on New Years Eve.”
It seemed to her that he was waiting for any indication as to if she was still following him. “I see,” she cut in, although she didn’t, but that didn’t matter right now. “What did he do?”
“We were at a ball in D.C., you, me, Bud and Harriet,” Harm explained. Sarah made a mental side-note: she had gone to a ball with Harm. In private. Definitely a detail that needed further inquiry. ‘Later,’ she once again admonished herself. Harm went on, “When we... when I’d taken you home, Harriet called and told us that there’d been a break in at their house. Little AJ and his babysitters were gone. And said babysitters happened to be Chloe, the girl you were tutoring in the Big Sister Program, and my Russian half-brother Sergei. Don’t ask for details now, these are two long stories of their own.” He held up a hand, silencing her. “Anyway, we knew this was the doing of the officer we had gotten convicted and you knew where to find them. We went out there, bailed them out, were being shot at and... well, this is the result.”
“Phew,” Sarah made, amazement warring with disbelief and anger in her soul. “I can’t quite bring myself to believe that lawyers like us would go and get them ourselves. But the wounds are there, so I’ll leave it at that. This Chloe – she’s not my real sister, I understand. Who IS my family, then?” She could hear that her voice had taken on a slightly accusing edge but she couldn’t help it. What was Harm trying to accomplish, telling her stories as crazy as this one? She could really need an honest ally... sad that it shouldn’t be him.
Harm had apparently understood her mood and picked up on it. “Mac – Sarah...”
‘Why is it so difficult for him to comply with my wish?’ she thought with a mental frown.
He tried again. “You’ll find that our lives have grazed certain borderlines more than once,” he ventured carefully. “I know many things will sound weird, lunatic even. I can only offer my word of honor as an officer that what I’m telling you is true.” His expression was very sincere and she felt strongly inclined to believe him, but she forcefully reminded herself to be on her guard. ‘Everyone might be your enemy,’ she told herself. ‘Don’t let yourself be lured into trusting someone you barely know.’
“Okay,” she only said, not quite sure what her answer was meant to imply. “So, now, my family.”
When she saw him wince, she felt like she wanted to shake him. “Damn it, Harm,” she said in a low voice, “If I’m a Marine, as you keep telling me I am, I can handle whatever there is to tell. Spill it.”
She heard him sigh. “Your father is dead.” Harm’s voice sounded defeated and monotone. “He died about three years ago. You were never close. He was an abusive alcoholic. Your mother left him – and you – when you turned fifteen. You met her again at your father’s deathbed but you didn’t stay in contact. You have no brothers or sisters. Your uncle, Marine Colonel Matthew O’Hara, is... on a mission abroad right now and not allowed to get in touch. You were married but your husband died in an accident involving a handgun. You have no children. That’s it.”
Sarah sat thunderstruck. This was her life. And from Harm’s hesitation, she knew he had tried to give her the inevitable facts only. Now she wasn’t even sure she wanted to hear the rest of it. What good was getting your life back if it turned out such a mess?
Compassion shone in Harm’s eyes when she turned her head to face him. “Sarah, I’m so sorry, I wanted to...”
He didn’t get to finish his sentence. The door opened and a young nurse stepped in, holding a box of chocolates. She was smiling widely. “Ma’am, sir, I just wanted to give you this on behalf of all the nurses who looked after you in Intensive Care. We don’t know any details about your condition, ma’am, but as we can see that you’re already catching up, we wanted to wish you all the best. Welcome back, ma’am.”
“Thank you so much,” Sarah replied happily, “I really appreciate that.”
“You’re welcome, ma’am.” With a shy wave, the nurse retreated from the room and closed the door again.
Sarah opened the box and chose a piece of chocolate, glad to have a little sweet consolation to help her over the sad things she’d just learned about herself. But just when she was about to open her mouth, Harm quickly snatched both, chocolate and box, away from her hands, his expression horrified.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she snapped, at a loss and annoyed for good this time. The commander was a genuine nuisance.
“There’s rum in it,” Harm explained very low, apparently not even daring to face her, but she needed him to. After all, he had provoked her.
“So what?” she shot back, noting with satisfaction that he seemed to be lifting his eyes to hers against his own will.
“You mustn’t eat that,” he stated in a pained voice. Then he took a deep breath. “You’re an alcoholic, Sarah, like your father. You’ve been sober for over ten years now, except for once and that was understandable, given the situation. But you need to continue on that path.”
Deep silence prevailed when he had finished his sentence. Sarah was too shell-shocked even to breathe. It wasn’t just her life that was a mess – she was.
Her eyes were glued to her hands that were resting in her lap. Her mind was spinning. Where the devil was she supposed to go from here? What was there to come back to after all? And would this really be worth the effort? Right now, the only answers she could think of were ‘nowhere’, ‘nothing’ and ‘no’.
When she felt his hand on her shoulder again, she gave in to the inevitable and looked up, allowing him to see there were tears in her eyes. He reached out as if to brush them away but she recoiled, making his shoulders drop.
“Sarah...” Again, the tone of his voice struck her. And suddenly she found it was too much to bear.
“Harm, I... I’m sorry, but, please, leave me alone,” she managed to murmur. “I need to think this through on my own.”
“But...”
“Please.”
He nodded silently, got up and left the room, throwing her one last, sad look before the door snapped shut. To her, it felt as if he had walked out of her life.
She couldn’t really blame him.
Chapter Five
Jan. 14th
0112 ZULU
Countryside outside Yuma
Arizona
Sweat was running down his temples across his jaw and his neck, soaking the T-shirt that was already clinging to his body. Harm’s breath came in ragged gasps that weren’t far from actual groans of pain. Every single bouncing step still hurt like hell but Harm couldn’t stop. He had lost track of how many miles he’d run today. He knew he should still go easy on himself, let his leg heal, but sitting idle, he was slowly going insane. His inward pain and frustration needed a valve and wearing himself out up to the point of total exhaustion was the only thing that helped.
During the last couple of days, it had cost him every single ounce of his mental strength to comply with Mac’s wish of being left alone. At first, he had tried several times to get to her, but she had given instructions to the medical personnel not to let anyone see her. She had left a note for him, explaining that he shouldn’t take it personally, that it was herself she didn’t get along with, not him, and that she needed time. And she had stated that she had decided to turn to less personal things, trying to explore her memory. So she had asked him to let her have a few things to read - federal law, the UCMJ, a few case files. Although it had saddened him a lot, seeing she was closing herself off, he had instantly called Harriet, considering her and Bud trustworthy and real friends enough to reveal Mac’s state and enlist their logistic help.
Harriet had been devastated, hearing the news, but she had immediately assembled the requested items. The UPS package had arrived early this morning and Harm had at once dropped it off at the hospital with a note for Mac. Now there was really nothing left for him to do but wait until she’d let him get near again. And if there was one thing in the world that Harm felt he couldn’t bear, it was being kept on hold until someone else decided he could have a hand in what was happening. It was eating him alive.
Gritting his teeth and trying to block out the jabs of pain shooting through his body, Harm kept up his pace, his eyes fixed to the horizon, when suddenly, in the pocket of his sweatpants, his cell-phone started to beep. He stopped, panting.
“Rabb.”
[“You lied to me.”] Her voice was icy. [“Why?”]
Still trying to catch his breath, he answered, confused, “What do you mean?”
[“About my uncle. ‘Abroad on assignment. Can’t get in touch.’ Ring a bell?”] He could tell she was furious.
“Mac...”
[“Sarah.”]
He sighed in defeat. “I’m sorry. Sarah, I wasn’t sure how much I could...”
[“The truth, Commander. You promised.”]
Guilt was making his stomach knot but he was still reluctant to spill every single detail. The case had too much potential to hurt and confuse her. “Yeah, I did. I’m sorry,” he repeated in a low voice. “How did you find out?” Maybe he would get a hint as to how much she already knew.
[“The People vs. Colonel Matthew O’Hara”.]
Harm’s heart sank. “I didn’t check what files Harriet packed for you... that was among them?” If she had read the reports, she knew exactly what he had tried to conceal. That her uncle was in Leavenworth - and that this was the point she had to go back to in order to know how they had met. Harm had so hoped he could have given her some indefinite story about having investigated a case together, as if it had been nothing more than an ordinary assignment. Now he knew what questions would follow sooner or later - and that she’d be wary of him and see right through him if he tried to omit anything vital. Damn.
The silence stretched, the only sound crossing the phone-line being Harm’s breathing that was slowly returning normal. Harm felt the tension that was building up between them. He could almost hear it crackle in the connection and he knew he was supposed to respond. But for the love of God, he had no idea what she wanted to hear. So, just to say something - anything - before she would end the call, he gave a non-committant, “Well?”
[“This is all you have to say?”] Her coldness cut right through his heart, and suddenly he felt he was getting angry.
“Dammit, Mac, what do you want me to say? So you’ve read the case file. Good! Then maybe you’ve noticed that for a start, this isn’t exactly the easiest topic. You’ve got absolutely no idea about who you are and you expect me to get into your screwed-up family matters right away? Get real!” He had vented the edge off his rage and hearing her suck in her breath, he calmed down a little, swallowing. “I’m so sorry...” he breathed, mentally slapping himself for his insensitivity. “Really, I’m sorry... this was uncalled for. I...” He took a steadying breath and resolved to take matters into his own hands.
“Sarah?”
At first, he thought she wouldn’t answer. But after a few moments he heard a low, somewhat choked [“Yeah?”]
“Can I see you in the hospital garden in thirty?”
He heard her swallow. [“Okay,”] she finally acknowledged very low and ended the connection.
For a full two minutes Harm remained rooted in the middle of the deserted country road, his hands on his hips, staring at the ground before his feet. She wanted progress. He wanted healing. She wanted answers. He wanted her.
This was never going to work.
Jan. 15th
0155 ZULU
Hospital garden
Yuma, Arizona
As soon as she saw his lanky frame approach in the afternoon sunlight, Sarah felt herself tense and hated herself for being so emotional. Maybe this ‘Mac’ was quite a useful role after all, she thought as she was trying to compose herself. Maybe she should close Sarah off again and put up a firm façade... but no. Unconsciously, she shook her head at herself. She wanted the pure, absolute truth about who she was and Sarah would prove just as strong as Mac. So help her God.
Yet, Harm’s behavior had thrown her off balance more severely than she wanted to acknowledge. ‘I did miss him,’ she grudgingly admitted to herself, ‘And I wish he were the real friend he claims to be. If I could just trust him...’ But that was impossible. Just this morning she’d received evidence enough to put her on her guard. And what he had said earlier about her family had hurt. Badly. This wasn’t the way friends were supposed to be around each other. What if being friends had never been more than a wish on both sides, never come true because they were unable to communicate?
She had been astonished to realize just how much this thought was tearing at her heart.
Well, she would accept nothing but the truth, she swore to herself for the umpteenth time, trying to ignore the trepidation that was making her hug herself more tightly. ‘If you want to be my friend, Harmon, you’d better start acting like one.’
Meanwhile, Harm had reached the bench she was sitting on. “Hey,” he greeted her uneasily and motioned to the seat next to her. “May I?”
“Sure.” Instinctively, she moved a little away from him.
His eyes were scrutinizing her, seeming to leave behind a tickling feeling wherever they had traveled. His voice was apologetic and unsure as well as compassionate. “You look better,” he cautiously began.
“About time,” she replied. Again, the silence began to stretch. Sarah felt her previous fury return. How could he just sit there and look at her with this sincere expression that was so disarming? ‘Say something, you jerk,’ she mentally challenged him, frowning unconsciously.
As if he’d heard her, he complied. Breaking the eye contact and looking down, he heaved a sigh. “Look, Sarah, I...” She could see the effort it was taking him to meet her gaze again. “I meant it. I’m sorry about what I said about your family. Your uncle is one of the finest people I’ve ever met and I have the highest respect for him. I was... well, I guess I was just afraid the whole story would be too much to digest for you just now. But,” he squared his shoulders and tried a half-smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust your strength, Marine. I should have known better.”
Smiling a little herself now, Sarah was about to reply when she saw him sober again, his expression begging her to let him finish, so she only nodded. When he went on, she was astonished to detect a hint of pain in his tone. “I promise I’ll be honest from now on. You deserve as much. I just beg you to go a little easy on me, too.” Her astonishment rising, she noted that his voice lowered even more. “I’m looking at my best friend on Earth who’s desperate to come back to her true self, and that’s not exactly an easy sight to bear.”
This was a turn she definitely hadn’t expected. Seeing this tall, broad-shouldered image of a by-the-book hero sitting there, shoulders slumped, eyes downcast, admitting that he was hurting for her, completely blew her defenses - and the picture she’d gotten of him. Suddenly, she found it amazingly easy to accept that whatever he had done wrong had been done with good intentions. Harmon Rabb, Jr., cared about her and this whole situation was difficult not only for her.
Reaching out and surprising herself just as much as him, she placed her hand on his forearm and squeezed it gently. “Right now I’m having a hard time trusting anyone or anything,” she answered. “But I’ll try to learn to trust you.”
The sudden spark in his eyes and the tentative smile that returned to his face made her heart jump slightly. It was then that she knew she really and truly had a friend she could rely on.
“Can you trust that I don’t make promises I can’t keep?” he asked carefully, his eyes begging her to say ‘yes’.
Knowing she was in considerable danger of losing herself in this amazing sea of blue, she nodded and, out of a sudden inspiration that she couldn’t guess the origin of, she replied, “You haven’t yet.”
It surprised her to hear him draw a sharp breath. For a brief moment, his eyes widened but he apparently tried to conceal the sudden outburst of emotion best as he could. But not well enough.
“Harm? Everything okay?” she asked, worried and confused.
He let his gaze wander around quickly and aimlessly until he seemed to find the strength to face her again. “Why did you say that?” he queried, his voice slightly hoarse.
Sarah had no idea why her answer had shaken him so much. “I don’t know. Of course I don’t know you well enough to be sure you don’t break your word but...” She made an exasperated movement with her hands. “Call me insane but... I could... kind of see it, you know?” She was desperately struggling for words to describe the sensation and she knew she was failing miserably, judging by how Harm was still fixing her gaze, incredulous. She gave up. “Hell, it just felt the right thing to say. Make of that what you will.”
She started when he took her hand. “No...” he quickly replied. Confusion was still ringing in his voice but something she would have labeled awed reassurance was shining through now as well, doing anything but set her at ease.
“No, it’s not insane at all,” was his astonishing answer, a smile slowly creeping up his face again. “You know, at JAG you’re famous for having kind of a sixth sense. Comes in pretty handy at times,” he said with a slight chuckle before his face clouded afresh and he let go of her hand. “What took me aback were the words you used. Because you...”
Out of nowhere, a scene crossed her mind: a brick-stone building, a doorway, a few steps leading up to it. She was there and Harm was there, too. Green. Her uniform was green. His was white. They were shaking hands.
“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.”
“I haven’t yet.”
“Because I said them to you before,” she cut in tonelessly, shivering - if from the evening breeze or from anything else she wasn’t sure.
Harm nodded slowly. “Is there anything else you remember?” he asked, failing to fully hide the hope that was showing on his features.
Swallowing in defeat, she looked down, shaking her head. “No. And I don’t have the slightest idea where that came from.”
He sighed. “It’s a start, though.” She could tell he was trying to encourage her, but his voice was completely sober and disillusioned.
“Yeah...” she agreed without much enthusiasm. Lifting her eyes again, she decided to continue fighting. “What did we agree upon?”
He winced, his face contorting slightly, and took a deep breath. “The history of our friendship is complicated, Sarah. If you really want to understand how we survived six years of constant battle and still always referred to each other as best friends, you should maybe not start right at that point. It’s just too far off from what friends normally talk about.”
His eyes were imploring her not to dwell on the subject and seeing how uneasy it seemed to make him, she was about to give in when a little voice at the back of her head reminded her that it was the whole truth, and nothing but the truth that she needed to come back. And she knew that if she asked, he wouldn’t try his escape. The moment she made the decision, she could see that he could read it in her eyes, and he submitted to her need for an explanation. She didn’t even need to say it aloud.
“It was the day little AJ Roberts was born,” Harm explained, his voice monotone. “The ambulance arrived only after Harriet had given birth in the admiral’s office at JAG. When they were finally off to the hospital, you and I were standing in front of JAG headquarters, watching them leave. You were musing about your biological clock and how you doubted you’d have a family one day. So I said that if neither of us were in a relationship five years from that day, we might as well go halves on a kid. A pact between best friends. That was two and a half years ago.”
Sarah needed a few seconds to reassemble her thoughts. Letting out a nervous chuckle, she commented, “Okay, I see your point. This is definitely beyond the confines of an ordinary friendship.” She shook her head vigorously as if the movement would somehow clear it. But looking at her friend, she knew he had told her the truth, weird as it might seem. So maybe she should indeed rely on his advice and not dwell on the subject any further for the moment but go back to the beginning instead. Yet, there was one thing she had to know before she would continue on that journey.
“Harm... have we ever been... involved with each other?” She didn’t dare face him.
“We were never lovers if that’s what you’re asking,” she heard him reply cautiously and looked up in slight surprise - and disappointment, as she noted, astonished about herself.
“Then why would you make such an offer to me?” she asked, at a loss.
“Because we’ve always been very close, right from the very start.” Once again, his words went straight through to her heart.
“Tell me about ‘The People vs. Matthew O’Hara’,” was all she replied.
Chapter Six
Jan. 15th
0412 ZULU
Military hospital
Yuma, Arizona
“You comfortable?” Harm had adjusted the backrest of Mac’s bed to an angle that had her almost sitting but she had wanted it this way. Fluffing the pillow a little before she leaned back against it, he searched her face for any signs that she was feeling uneasy having him around but he didn’t see any. Hopefully their earlier conversation had cleared the air to some extent so that they would finally be able to face the long, bumpy road of her recovery. Together.
Mac looked up at him and smiled. “Yes, that’s perfect, thank you.” The smile she gave him confirmed his hopes. They could indeed go on from here.
“I promise I’ll answer all your questions at once, but first,” he held up his hand in an apologetic gesture as she was about to protest, “First, I have a few details for you from your doctors.”
She nodded, her apprehension showing on her face. “Go ahead.”
Anxious to set her at ease, he smiled, hiding his own relief under a mask of reassurance. “Physically, you’ve recovered remarkably well. You’ll still need to walk with the help of crutches for a few weeks and take up an intensive rehab routine once the pain in your shoulder and in your hip is gone. And of course, for at least two weeks, lots of rest and daily visits to your residential physician are a must. But the doctors are willing to release you into the care of a trustworthy person. You’ll have to follow strict orders - but you’d be able to return to D.C. if you feel up to it. Congratulations, Marine,” he added softly.
She cocked her head to the left. “And that ‘trustworthy person’ would be you, I suppose?”
Harm was feeling a little embarrassed but he tried his best not to let it show. “Exactly. If you’ll, for once, submit to my control.”
Seeing her hesitate a little, obviously pondering her next words, his stomach tightened. Still, knowing her wishes and needs had to come first, he pushed the feeling away and waited for her reaction.
“Thank you so much, Harm, I appreciate that,” she answered carefully but he could hear the ‘however’ approaching. “But I’m not quite sure what I want yet. Can I give you my answer later?” Her big brown eyes were begging him to understand.
“’Course,” he only agreed in a low voice as a flash of acute disappointment shot through him. True, he would have meticulously kept his physical and emotional distance from her. Yet, having her around would have made things a lot easier to bear - and then, there was always the hope that something, whatever, from her old life would flip the switch that was keeping her from her old self yet.
“Anyway, you should think about it,” he gently encouraged her. “Because if what your doctors tell me is true, your amnesia was probably caused by the traumatic events you’ve been through, not by your head injury that luckily turned out superficial. According to the MRI they did two days ago, your brain seems to be okay as far as they can tell. It’s a little swollen at the back of your head, but mostly at the top, not down where any vegetative functions would be affected. Dr. Craven, the head neurologist, thinks that the slight swelling might be completely unconnected to your memory loss,” he went on, her intense gaze telling him she was following his explanations highly alert. “So, actually, returning to your habitual surroundings might help getting back what lies buried for whatever reason.”
Her glance turned a little pained. “Yeah, I know...” she murmured distractedly, looking down on her blanket for a few moments before lifting her eyes to meet his again. “It’s so strange: I don’t understand my own reactions. On the one hand I long to know every last detail about myself and yet - going back to an apartment that should feel like home to me but at the moment could as well be some hotel suite... I’m scared, Harm,” she admitted with a sigh.
“That’s okay,” he said soothingly, wanting desperately to take her in his arms but refraining from the gesture, knowing it would disconcert her even more. “I’ll be there for you. And so will Bud and Harriet, and Admiral Chegwidden. They’re all eager to see you again. And then, there’s Sergei who could help you remember your Russian...”
“I know Russian?” she asked, eyes wide.
He nodded. “Yes, you do. Try to say something. Maybe that’s something that you haven’t lost.”
He saw her close her eyes, her brow furrowing in concentration - and suddenly, the skin on her forehead relaxed.
“Spaseeba,” she said, smiling slightly. “Da, ya gavaryu pa ruskij.” [Thank you. Yes, I speak Russian.]
Even though this might have no meaning regarding her memories of her former life, his heart jumped a little with joy. Whatever little headway she was making felt like a treasure to him. “That’s great,” he uttered in sincere joy, patting her shoulder. “Keep it up, and before long we’ll be facing off in the courtroom again.”
Her smile actually turned a little mischievous as she agreed in Farsi, nodding her head to make him understand the unknown words and catching him completely off guard.
“Whoa...” he made, awed. “Never do things halfway, right, Marine? Well, I guess this answers the question of whether your amnesia is of a physical nature or not.” ‘Now we only have to find the key to unlock the dungeon you locked yourself in,’ he added silently, knowing full well that ‘only’ was more than just a slight understatement.
“In part, it might be physical after all,” she stated, sobering. “Or how would you explain that when I skimmed the UCMJ earlier, I remembered parts of it, but other things were completely new to me.” She sighed. “However, considering that I didn’t remember anything at all about a concept called ‘law’ when you first told me I was a lawyer, I guess I am indeed making progress.”
She fell silent, gazing into the big nothing, lost in deep thought. Harm couldn’t be sure but he was still pretty certain he knew what she was brooding about. Gently squeezing her shoulder, he made her look at him. “Don’t worry, Sarah. In time, you’ll find your way back home - and not just to your apartment. And as far as I am concerned, I’ll do everything in my power to guide you on that road, okay?”
Swallowing, she laid her right hand on the one that was still resting on her left shoulder. “Thank you,” she replied, silently fixing his gaze for a long moment. Then she pulled herself up, drew a deep breath and exhaled in a quick, determined way, pulling back her hand. “Okay, question number one...”
“Sarah, hold it for a moment,” Harm suddenly interrupted her, glancing at his watch. “I’m not a guest of this noble residence anymore, you know. It’s late. I think I should go back to the base. We’ll do this tomorrow, okay? I promise.”
He started to get up but Mac quickly reached for his hand and pulled hard. “No way are you walking out on me now,” she threatened. “As long as they don’t drag you out of here, you can as well tell me what I want to know. Please,” she added, her voice softening. The desperate look had returned to her eyes.
Defeated, he sat down again and leaned back. “Fire at will, Colonel.”
She smiled in relieved gratitude. It took her a long moment to formulate even one question, though. He could tell her mind was overflowing with conflicting thoughts and emotions and she was obviously having a hard time getting them into any rational order. “Okay...” she drawled, “So... when we were investigating my uncle, you figured out I was hiding something from you. How?”
His healing leg was giving him a hard time. He was very tired, physically as well as emotionally. And he was bound by his promise. So his answer reduced to the maximum of concise clarity, not even trying to conceal anything. “I was looking at you all the time.” For a brief moment he wondered why it was so easy holding her glance.
He could see his open answer had stunned her a little but she seemed to recognize and appreciate the absolute sincerity. “Why?” she only asked.
“Because I was seeing someone else in you.”
“Who?”
“A woman whose murder I’d had to investigate just a few months before.”
Seeing her shocked expression, he wondered for a split second if he should really do this to her. And to himself, for that matter. Talking about Diane would lead to talking about feelings. And talking about feelings would lead him to... But as soon as the thought had formed, he defiantly pushed it aside. ‘The truth. You promised.’
“Lieutenant Diane Schonke… the love of my life,” he added in a low voice.
Choosing to ignore her toneless “Oh, God...” he went on, mindful of keeping his voice gentle and understanding. “This is an entirely different story, so I won’t get into it now. It doesn’t have anything to do with your life, Sarah. And it’s long past. I only mentioned it because it was your uncanny resemblance to Diane that made me forget all the time that I didn’t know you. That’s why we were so close right from the start - at least as far as I was concerned. For you, it took a little longer to open up, but my state of mind enabled us to understand each other as quickly as we did.”
It took him a little aback when he saw her expression cloud somewhat. “So all you did for my uncle - and for me - you did it because of her?”
He shook his head. “No,” he replied, gently but firmly. “I did it because it was the right thing to do. Although I wouldn’t have done what he did, I still came to admire your uncle for how he followed his principles. And I admired you for how you were willing to give up everything for him.”
“Do you still see her when you look at me? Is that why you’re staying with me now?”
Her doubts stung and he had to remind himself to be careful while appeasing them. If he acted on impulse only, he was in danger of giving away the one secret he was determined to keep. “You’re my best friend on Earth, Sarah.” Still, his words carried a lot more emotion than would have been advised. “Leaving you alone was never an option.”
“But is it her you’re seeing in me?” she insisted.
“No, it’s you. It’s not always been you,” he admitted, “But it’s been you for longer than I can remember now.” Drawing a deep breath, he decided to take yet another step, wanting to chase even the slightest reminder of uncertainty from her eyes. “Let’s leave aside for the moment that I loved Diane. Of course, she was a good friend, too. But you and me, we’ve been through so much together, Sarah. We’ve seen each other at our best and at our worst. I didn’t keep track of who owes whom his or her life at the moment because we’ve saved each other more often than one should think possible.” He reached out and encircled her fingers in his. “Our friendship goes way beyond anything I’ve ever known. It survived several relationships on both sides. It’s something I just can’t go on without. That’s why I stay.”
Her eyes had widened a notch while listening as he had poured out his heart to her. It was clear that he had made no admission of love, but the light that surrounded them seemed to have warmed. He felt her fingers lace through his, but her action didn’t unsettle him in the least. For in her eyes, he read the most wonderful understanding of what exactly he had just told her, without any trace of expecting anything that went beyond it. Their wavelengths seemed perfectly synchronized.
Deep in Harm’s heart, the wound stopped to bleed. Although the remaining scar would always remind him of what they had lost, the agonizing fear that Mac might never find her way back was soothed by a consolation that had started to blossom within him: if they would always understand each other the way that had just transpired, the loss was something he’d in time learn to bear.
“Thank you,” she answered quietly, her eyes shining with gratitude.
For a moment, neither of them said a word, not wanting to break the magic of the moment, but eventually she drew back her hand, a relaxed smile gracing her features. The mischievous sparkle in her glance made him raise his eyebrows.
“Okay,” she said. “Then I’ll play 20 questions now, sort of.”
“Uh oh...” he mumbled, his mischief fully matching hers.
“Umm, let’s see... what was the funniest situation we’ve ever been in?”
The memory that instantly surfaced made him chuckle. “Seeing you duck in the courtroom when I fired an automatic weapon to prove my point.”
“What??” Her incredulous smile was as wide as it could ever be. “Apparently you’re plain crazy. So why wouldn’t I duck in such a situation?”
Laughing for good now, Harm explained, “You’ve always made it a point that Marines don’t duck. They ‘take cover’, you know? And the sight of you vanishing under your table was just hilarious.”
With a mock frown, she slapped him on the arm. “Just be glad that I’m not in combat shape right now, sailor. Anyway, next question: what was the most embarrassing situation I’ve ever seen you in?”
He sobered just a little bit, but still his smile prevailed. “I guess that was on the beach in Sydney. I thought you were topless and I didn’t dare to look over the magazine you were reading. In fact, I didn’t know where to look at all.”
“Oh?” she asked, calm amusement playing on her features. “Well, was I? Topless, I mean?”
“I still don’t know and you wouldn’t tell.”
“Why were we in Australia together anyway?” she queried curiously.
As quickly as it had come, his earlier settled feeling vanished and he cursed himself for having brought the topic up in the first place. Yet, it was an essential part of her past. He wouldn’t conceal it from her. He just hoped he might not have to go into every heart-wrenching detail at once.
“A former colleague of ours, an Australian Navy officer who’d been at JAG with the officers exchange program, requested that we investigate a case in Sydney involving an American seaman.” ‘I won’t tell you that you came on your own account,’ he added in private, unable now to keep the smile on his face. “His name was Mic Brumby. You were involved with him for quite some time but it didn’t last.”
By now, she had sobered as well and was eyeing him curiously. “One could suspect that that bothered you,” she remarked carefully.
“Well, to be honest, I didn’t like him,” Harm explained, hoping she would accept the reasons he gave her. “He was cocky and dominated you in a way. I tried to respect your choice but I knew he wasn’t good for you. Apparently I was right.”
“Seems so,” she agreed thoughtfully. “Did I tell you why we broke up?”
“Never in so many words,” he answered, knowing it was the truth. They still hadn’t talked the Brumby issue through in full. Maybe they never would, now.
He winced as she made a dismissive gesture and said, “Never mind that now. As you’re still here, I don’t think the liaison can have affected our friendship very much.” He was grateful that his instinctive reaction seemed to have escaped her. To explain the horrors of being out in the Atlantic for hours, trying to survive the storm and the cold, let alone the pain of losing her, would have exceeded his strength.
“Anymore questions, Colonel?” he asked lightly, eager to change the topic and steer the ship into calm waters.
Mac picked up on his diversionary tactic. “Okay, no more cocky Australians for tonight,” she conceded with a benign smile. But just as he was about to heave an exaggerated sigh of relief, she spoke up again. “I do have a few other questions, though.”
“Awww, Mac, have mercy,” he pleaded, trying to let her hear the mockery but secretly imploring her to take his words literally.
Seeing her smile had vanished completely, he instantly understood that he had made it worse rather than better.
“Sarah,” she said quietly, mild reproach ringing in her voice. “Harm, I don’t understand. Is it so difficult just to let me be my true self? Does ‘Sarah’ sound so wrong to you?”
He could never give her the foremost reason why calling her ‘Sarah’ felt so wrong to him. Sarah was the woman he loved. She was the one he was yearning for but she was out of reach. Mac, on the other hand, was his friend of years. With her, he felt secure. She had no idea how hard she was making things for him.
“No,” he sighed, briefly closing his eyes. “Of course not. It’s just that getting my friend back seems to bring up old habits. I’m sorry. Okay, what do you want to know?” He tried a smile.
If she was still upset, she didn’t let it show. “What was the weirdest thing we ever did together?”
“How many hours do I have to tell you?” he asked, a little lamely.
She made a face. “So many? Oh, boy... okay. What was the weirdest of all?”
He did have a vast choice but he knew at once what his answer would be. “How about stealing a MiG-29 near Moscow, taking fire and ejecting somewhere on the way to Siberia?”
“Goodness!” she gasped. “What on earth did we do that for?”
Once more, Harm hoped she would settle for the condensed version. He was too exhausted to dig up yet another topic that would drain him emotionally. “My father was a naval aviator and was shot down over Vietnam. I eventually found out he was brought to a Russian gulag many years later and I needed to find out what had happened to him. So I went to Russia and you came along, because of the language and to keep my feet on the ground. We needed a ride to Siberia.” He grinned a little self-consciously. “Would it be okay if we shelved the rest of the story for another time?”
She sighed. “Well, I’m really curious to hear that one but I suspect that it would probably take us too long tonight. Just one thing: did we find your dad?”
Harm couldn’t help swallowing. “Yeah...” he said very low. “That is, we found out where he had lived and how he had died. It was hard - but I found closure. So it was worth it. Thank you again for coming with me.”
“You’re welcome,” she said, simply and amiably as if it had been the most natural thing in the world to do. “I suppose, this is where your brother comes into the picture,” she mused, her brow furrowing considerably. Harm only nodded. Taking a decided breath, she tried again to lighten the mood. “So what was the most heroic thing we ever did together?”
He could see she was confused that he didn’t counter her humor but remained earnest all the time. “How about saving the Russian president’s life in Chechnya?” he offered without even the hint of a smile.
The look in her eyes was slowly turning a little haunted as if even this small selection of what they had been through was overwhelming her. “Qualifies,” she admitted in a rather small voice, obviously not daring to ask for any further details. Still, hesitant, she once again addressed him. “Harm - I know it’s late and we should both be resting but... I’d like to know one more thing. Maybe we’d pick different situations to answer this one, but when do you, personally, think we’ve been closest to each other?”
‘The admiral’s porch,’ resounded a voice at the back of his mind but with considerable effort, he banned the picture and all emotions connected to it from his mind. Instead, he let himself be taken four years to the past. “The night you saved me from killing Diane’s murderer with my own hands,” he said quietly. “And strange as it may seem: out of mistaking you for her for a moment, I think it was just that night that I really started seeing Sarah when I looked at you.”
As if she could sense there was more to the story, she had started to tremble slightly. “How?” she whispered, wide-eyed.
‘The truth, Rabb.’ “I kissed Diane goodbye,” he admitted, eyes downcast, “and at the same time, the kiss welcomed you in my life.”
The silence that followed weighed heavy on both of them. Finally, knowing he had to leave for the night, Harm again addressed the topic that had been shelved earlier. “So, what do you say? Do I tell them to release you into my care?”
Wearily, she wiped her face with her hands. “Harm, I’d really like to be on my own for a while,” she admitted, giving clear signs of a bad conscience at turning down his generous offer. “If I promised to find myself a physician and go there every day... would you cover for me if I went for a little vacation all on my own, just me and a whole truckload of thoughts to be digested?” The look she gave him, a mixture of complete helplessness and fierce determination to come to terms at least with what she had learned until now, effectively stilled the protest he had been about to voice.
He fought a difficult inward struggle, deciding whether to comply with her needs or not. The idea of leaving her by herself when she was yet so unsettled made him furious. Yet, he understood utterly and completely that she was longing for that distance from the bottom of her heart. And suddenly, the perfect solution to this dilemma came to his mind.
“I hate to do this,” he began, seeing her nod self-consciously, “But if you promise to follow your doctors’ orders and if this is really what you think you need most, then I’ll be the last to hold you back. Under one condition, though,” he added, raising his hand to stop her as she was apparently about to start thanking him for understanding.
Obviously a little taken aback, she only nodded, waiting for him to elaborate.
What he had in mind was a little audacious but it would set his mind at ease, knowing she would be taken good care of. He only had to make sure she wouldn’t find out. “I have friends in the west,” he began to lay out his plan to her. “An elderly couple who own a beautiful house with a magnificent ocean view, down in California. I don’t see them often now but I know they still take boarding guests from time to time. They’re very decent people and you’d have all the necessary solace you could wish for. They would provide you with anything you need - from a good physician to a nice barbecue on the terrace every night. I’m sure they’d love to have you. I’m even sure that if I talked to them, you’d get a special offer. And they’ll ask no questions if you tell them not to. What do you say?”
She took a long minute to contemplate his offer - a minute that passed entirely too slow for him. ‘Please, say yes,’ he implored her, ‘I want to be sure you’re safe wherever you go.’
Finally, she met his eyes again, a slight, grateful smile playing on her features. “I think I’d like to get to know them.”
To be continued...