'A CONCEPT UNDERSTOOD'



Author: Daenar (daenarchurill@yahoo.de)
Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended.

Category: Character Study (Mac), episode reaction to 'A Tangled Webb' - II
Rating: 12+ (for mild language)

Summary: Why the heck does Mac insist on those words?

Author's note: I just wanted to apologize for getting out a non-betad piece. But I didn't want to let the time between the episode and posting my work become too long. As an overseas shipper, I was for once lucky enough to see an ep this shortly after it was first shown in the U.S. So I thought if I did it quickly, I might as well give in to the urge to try and answer a question that seems to puzzle quite a lot of people. Sorry for any mistakes.

****************************

[Mac's POV]


'Let go of this lifeline before it becomes a noose!'

I can still hear myself telling you this, my voice urgent, exasperated, impatient. I was worried about you - and I was angry because you just didn't get it. You couldn't take that one final step, after all that we'd been through - and despite all that was in your heart. I knew it even before you (kind of...) told me.

Somehow I've always hoped that you'd eventually understand what I meant back then. Two years have gone by - and you still haven't. One day you'll strangle yourself by sticking to that attitude and I think you even know it. And you're afraid of it. That night at your apartment, when you told me that you didn't want me to go on this mission, you all but crossed the bridge. 

Hell, Harm, why couldn't you just flat out say it when you had already found the courage to speak? Why did you stop in front of the last hurdle? What more does it need to follow through? I even held my hand out for you, I wanted to help you reach the shore! I said that you never showed interest when I was in the position to return it. What should that have told you between the lines? That all you needed to do was say the words! We could have cleared the air before I left and now we wouldn't be in this f****** situation! I didn't walk away so fast you couldn't have come after me.

But you didn't.

No, wait - eventually, you did. I should have known. Never do things halfway. Let them get screwed-up first and then put everything on the line. The world according to Rabb. 

Harm, believe me, I'll be forever grateful for what you did. And I'm feeling horrible for not saying thank-you. If you knew just how many times I've already picked up my phone to call you... but I can't. Because I know that once we try to have 'that' conversation again, you'll say everything but what I need to hear. I can't take any more of that. I just can't! It hurts too damn much.

You're perfectly right. I know why you resigned your commission. I know why you risked your life without a second thought. I could see it in your eyes when you struggled to get your courage up to kiss me, just before Clay and Gunny came into our room. God, Harm, if I can read you that well after all those years, why can't you? With all the opportunities I gave you to just tell me - why can't you see that hearing it from you is what I need to take the final step myself?

You said it yourself: my record with men is devastating. I can admit that - and that's why I didn't comment any further when you threw it at me. Side-note: apology accepted. Anyway, you're a smart man, Harm. Occasionally. You ought to know by now that this is all about trust. The first to show me that men weren't to be trusted was my father. Let's not get into that - you know what I mean. My dear husband didn't do anything to repair the damage. Farrow was good to me, but I couldn't trust his affection to go beyond that of a fatherly friend. I guess Dalton loved me, but it turned out that too big a part of our relationship was about using me as decorum to his life. I thought I could trust Mic. As to his feelings for me, I was right. But then he used my fear of being alone against me - and got me to move the ring. I pushed the truth away, but deep down I knew that my trust in him was gone. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to trust Clay.

Harm, I so want to believe that what I read between the lines is true! I so want to trust that I'm not deceiving myself, giving in to my wishful thinking! I so want to trust that I didn't misinterpret your actions - that you do indeed feel the way I think you do. 

Harm, I so want to trust you. 

I told you I can read you - but I'm afraid to trust even myself. I've made too many bad choices in my life. If I chose to rely on my intuition, only to find I was wrong about your feelings - I think this would be my ultimate breaking point. Even though everything within me screams that I'd be making the right choice this time - who can reassure me of that?

You can, Harm. No one but you. Don't you see?

I guess I never really understood why not losing control was this vital for you. But now I think I'm getting the concept:

These three words are my lifeline, Harm. I can't let go of them. 

Please, help me not to let them become a noose.



THE END