'WINGS TO SPREAD' - 2005 JAG Virtual Season, Episode 4



Author: Daenar (daenarchurill@yahoo.de)
Disclaimer: Yes, JAG is still property of Belisarius Productions, CBS, and Paramount Pictures. Still no copyright infringement intended. I'm serious.

Category: No real category, maybe friendship and family story. And just a touch of romance (Mattie/Other).
Rating: 12+

Spoilers: All ten seasons plus the first three episodes of the 2005 JAG VS.
Summary: During her junior year abroad, two friends will help Mattie to finally fight the demons of her recent past - leading to an overwhelming surprise for Harm...

Author's notes: The last JAG VS... I'm not a melancholy kind of person but this does feel weird. In the past two years, the VS has always been a great summer project to look forward to, knowing that once the last ep would be up, the long-awaited new season was about to start. This time, there will be no new season. This is a concept that needs a little getting used to. So I'm all the more glad I could join the VS team again for this final season, and as always, my thanks go to all my fellow authors for their time and dedication, as well as to Bree for the great site and to Cath and Steph for their admirable graphic art. It was great working with you guys! Next year, I'm definitely going to feel the loss.

Concerning the story: This is mainly a Mattie story. Those of you who are Mattie haters, forgive me - but I've liked her character from the start. Last year, I focused on Chloe, so...

Also, the NEXUS program does indeed exist. It's a joint research initiative in medical anthropology, followed by the universities of both St Andrews and Dundee in Scotland. I never found out why it's called NEXUS, though. Also, the tasks I made up are entirely fictional. For those who are interested in learning more: http://www.st-andrews.ac.uk/~nexus

I'm aware that on the show, Mattie's accident happened when her plane was already back on the ground, but for my story, let's just pretend it was a real landing crash, okay? Thank you for granting me a little artistic license.

And three cheers to all Jack-London fans out there!


Special thanks to Heather, my dearest beta, and to AeroGirl for her expert coaching on the flying part!

**********


Flashback
February 2005
Approaching the airfield
Blacksburg, Virginia



"We're losing altitude too fast!"

"I know, girl! I can't keep her steady with those crosswind gusts, and this damn snow is too dense!"

"Is there any way we'll get down in one piece?"

"Hang on, I've handled harder situations than this one! Just don't freak out, okay?"

"Watch out for those trees!"

"Shut up, I see them!"

"We'll never clear them at this altitude-aaaaaaaahhhhh!"


*~*~*


September 24, 2009
0328 Local
Old town
St Andrews, Scotland



Panting, Mattie sat straight in her bed, her heart beating wildly. Beads of perspiration had formed on her forehead, and she tried frantically to get her surroundings into focus to some degree. 

The first seconds were always the worst - the state between sleeping and being awake when you couldn't yet force yourself to think of something else. When the fear felt like a rope around your neck, tightening constantly, yielding just enough so you wouldn't suffocate, but still feel the whole pain of it.

The top left corner of her cupboard registered in her brain. The windowsill. The desk and the lone cactus on it. Harm's model Stearman.

Slower than usual, the visual puzzle pieces fell into place. Quite a natural thing when you hadn't lived in your room for more than ten days.

Finally, the figurative rope around Mattie's neck gave way enough for her to lie down again and try to go back to sleep. At least she didn't need to fear that this dream would come true - it already had. But the knowledge of the statistical improbability of the same tragedy happening twice did little to help her sleep any easier. She might just be the exception to the rule.



******************
OPENING CREDITS
******************



November 7, 2009
1624 Local
Mattie's shared house
Old town
St. Andrews, Scotland



"What exactly did you say this was supposed to be?" Mattie suspiciously waved her right hand over the cup she was handed and cautiously sniffed the exotic aroma.

"If I told you, I would betray 469 years of family tradition." With a smug grin, Harilal Kamath exercised a perfect mock bow to Mattie and then sat down across from her. "Let's just say the tea leaves are from controlled Himalayan cultivation at about 1800 meters altitude, picked strictly according to the Ayurveda rules my grandfather taught me. And it's supposed to ease the back pains you're always complaining about."

"Come on, Hal, what's in this stuff? I just don't want to risk trying dope or anything." Mattie knew her grin belied her implication.

"I told you: secret Indian medicine. Drink it and feel better."

Arching her eyebrows, Mattie blew on the hot liquid and sipped, her eyes never leaving her fellow student, who innocently smiled. An enchanting mixture of herbal aromas that she would vaguely have placed somewhere in between basil and jasmine, tinged with a hint of orange, registered in her olfactory memory. Pleasantly surprised, she gave him an acknowledging nod. "Well, at least it doesn't kill immediately."

"See? Now drink it regularly and I promise that when you return to the States you won't remember how to spell 'back pains' anymore."

"What am I gonna get if I still can?"

"Spoilsport. I tell you you'll..."

"Is he threatening you again, Matt?" Suppressed laughter ringing in his voice, Robert Brendan dropped his bag on the chair beside him and folded his lanky frame enough to join his two friends at the kitchen table.

Mattie's eyes left her Indian housemate's and focused on the new arrival who completed their student-household trio. "Don't worry. After last week's lesson he wouldn't dare."

"Hey, all I did was try to acquaint you with my Aunt Deepa's special curried saag!" Hal defended himself. "There's no way I could've known you two are such..."

"Just don't," Robert cut him off with an easy smile. "We're just poor weak Westerners and our taste buds can only take that much. Remember Jill last term when she..."

"Jill wasn't even worth the curry I put into it, and you, of all people, should know it, Rob."

Robert frowned. "I know, you're right. Anyway, her reaction was drastic enough and she always claimed she liked spicy food."

"I thought she was a loser," Mattie interjected, blowing on her hot tea. "Or did I get that wrong?"

"You didn't," Hal acknowledged. "But Rob needed eight months to find out what everyone else knew from the start."

"I thought it took you eight months to find out she was cheating on you?" Mattie asked boldly, eyeing her friend with arched eyebrows.

Robert poured himself a cup of Hal's tea, eliciting an appreciative grin from his Indian friend, and sighed just a little exasperatedly. "Heck, I was in love! I couldn't think straight. That's never happened to you guys?"

"Never," Hal stated categorically, shaking his head in theatrical determination. "My love is called Apple G4, and she can stand straight thinking only."

Mattie saw Robert's eyes first roll heavenward and then turn to her. Sipping her tea, she pondered what she might answer. Actually, it really hadn't happened to her personally, either, but thinking of her parents, she had a pretty good idea what her friend was talking about. She cleared her throat. "Sorry to disappoint you, Rob, but that's never happened to me, either. However..." She drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I could tell you stories about reasonable people... you'd never believe me. So I kind of know what you mean."

"Who might that be?"

"My parents."

"The biological ones?"

"Nope, my new ones. They needed years to clear their heads and come to their senses. And that's all I'm gonna say about that."

"But what's that got to do with my curried saag?" Hal comically complained, returning to the previous topic. "So Jill couldn't eat it. Big deal. Actually I expected that much. But you guys, with your Arizonian roots, you should have the spice gene somewhere, right?"

Robert lifted one hand to silence his friend. "Easy. I'm only halfway Arizonian. My father's a deadly normal Englishman. So I don't count."

"And I don't, either," Mattie chimed in. "You're right: my mom's from Arizona, her grandma's Iranian, and she's got Cherokee ancestors, but I've never heard of genes being passed on through adoption. So, never ever call me spice girl again, understood?"

Hal heaved another theatrical sigh and demonstratively rubbed his chin. "I think I could just bring myself to remember that."

"Good."

"Shelve the battle for later, guys," Robert said. "Anyone copy the exact reading list for next Monday's Linguistic Approaches?"

"I was hoping you did," Mattie answered, finishing her tea with what she hoped was a reprimanding expression. "I never get round to writing down all he says because of the chick division in front of me."

"What was it today?" Hal asked with the broadest of malicious grins. "Extreme-manicuring, power-shopping, or just marathon-telephoning? We should all be ashamed we're not half as athletic as they are."

"No idea what the topic was. I'm sure it was something stupid of the kind, but I really wouldn't know. The only times they ever address me is to get my Statistics assignments."

"Which you always let them have."

Mattie gave them a helpless shrug. "Hey, what am I supposed to do? I guess I've developed kind of a Samaritan soft spot. Ever since my accident I can't refuse helping someone who asks. Imagine where I'd be if my parents hadn't helped me out of that mess back then."

"Is that why you're so keen on participating in the NEXUS program next time they let new students join? To appease your helper's syndrome?"

Hal had said it grinning, clearly just wanting to tease her a little, but Mattie still felt a sting at his words. All that her friends knew about her past was that she had had an accident at 16 and had needed quite a bit of training to get in shape again, that she had been adopted by two military officers at about the same age, and that she preferred not to talk about the past. 

Not that she was ashamed of having been severely handicapped for some time. But she wanted to avoid what had happened too often already during her first two years at the University of Richmond: the moment someone heard about her past, the way they looked at her would change. To either distanced pity ("Poor girl, who knows if she's really managed to fully come back to her normal self.") or distanced admiration ("Wow, look at that one, how did she do that? I could never be half as brave and tenacious as her.") - either way the result had been that real close friends had been very rare, just because people didn't know how to handle her medical history. If no one knew what she'd been through, they'd just take her as she was: Mathilda Grace Rabb, studying sociology in Richmond and passing her junior year as an exchange student in Scotland to get an outside view - the perfectly normal 20-year-old girl-next-door.

Recently, this explanation had become something Mattie clung to more firmly than she would have liked. It helped her push away another, more unsettling truth: the further Mattie had moved on, creating an independent life after her long period of disability, reaching next to normal circumstances that she wouldn't have thought possible a few years ago, the more her subsequent mental relaxation had begun to open the doors to the psychological aftermath of the whole affair. Held at bay through her long, stressful rehab and the search for her new self, now the memories of the actual accident were really starting to haunt her, and Mattie hadn't yet dared try to figure out how to handle them. Instead, she kept convincing herself she didn't tell her story to anyone so as to not alter people's perception of her.

Still, sometimes, in conversations as these, she wished she could ignore the fear and break with her need-to-know policy - to let her friends in on her story: how she had all but given up on herself. Just how painful rehab had been; how she had nearly lost it more times than she could count. It had been Harm's and Mac's constant active help that had made her pull through. Without knowing those facts her friends simply couldn't understand her constant need to help. Wasn't it natural she should feel the urge to pass on what she had received herself? To assist when a possibility presented itself - even if her constant readiness indeed resembled a helper's syndrome?

And what better way than to do it through the NEXUS? A joint research program in medical anthropology that focused on improving children's and young people's chances of overcoming problems in connection not only with chronic illness, but also with lifestyles, identity, or race. Ever since Mattie had learned about St Andrews' participation in the program, she had decided she'd spend her junior year as a volunteer with the program, sharing what had been so difficult for her to endure. As an undergraduate, she knew she couldn't officially partake in the research, but opportunities to do interviews and work with the graduates and the PhD candidates always presented themselves.

At the same time, NEXUS was a great opportunity to already gain firsthand practical experience working with people in the field Mattie wanted to specialize in later on in law school: social and family law. Somehow, her own life had made her a double expert in that. So, getting good out of the bad, she felt she was predestined for Robin-Hood-ish lawyering. Add Harm and Mac coaching her on the arguing part... However, Mattie was still reluctant to let anyone in on her very personal motives for choosing her career path.

She hadn't found many close friends yet, but Mattie attributed that more to her being picky about them and not caring if she behaved like most of her fellow students might expect of her or not. Usually, she only hung out with male students. Mattie was far too down-to-earth and unpretentious to share some of her female classmates' passion for fashion and chasing potential boyfriends. 

This year, her natural tendency to become buddies with male students more easily than with girls was aggravated by an additional fact: Mattie shared a house with Robert Brendan, the dark-haired, green-eyed, tall, sportive prince charming of the junior class. And what was more: he seemed to enjoy being friends with her when he normally reacted rather reservedly to most attempts at conquering him. Not exactly a constellation to create many sympathies for the girl from across the pond.

Initially, Mattie had been disappointed that she hadn't found accommodation in a student dorm. She had hoped the closer contact with her fellow students would have made it easier to find the kind of friends she was looking for. But when she had come across advertisements for flat and house sharing, she had immediately made a few presentation appointments, flown over for spring break and driven up to Scotland with Harm who had insisted on seeing for himself where she'd live - and with whom.

Rob's and Hal's slightly chaotic but cozy brick house in picturesque old-town St Andrews had been their second place to see, and Mattie had immediately decided this was it. It wasn't so much the house, though, that had made her choose so quickly. Like so many old houses, theirs was a rather small, slice-type of building in a long row of similar ones, with only one room on each floor, making sports superfluous by the sheer amount of stairs you had to climb each day. Pragmatic as always, Mattie had booked this disadvantage on her 'after-rehab' account.

What weighed far heavier on the pro side of Mattie's decision were the house's inhabitants. Not only were both of them doing their junior year in Social Anthropology, just like herself, what might come in extremely handy when the exams drew near. Mattie had taken an immediate liking to the hectic, short, skinny Indian computer-freak from Birmingham who was doing a double degree, combined with Informatics, as if there was nothing to it, and to his best friend who was as unlike Hal as he possibly could be. 

Rob's open smile and welcoming attitude, combined with his exterior, had instantly conjured up pictures in Mattie's mind of what Midshipman Harmon Rabb, Jr. might have been like, back in Annapolis. This thought alone had sufficed to make her feel at home. Learning that Rob was planning on attending law school in the States after finishing his degree only added to the similarities. Harm's initial reservations about seeing her share a house with two young men had lessened a little over a gorgeous homemade Indian dinner with ample and open conversation about everything a worried father might want to know about his daughter's future whereabouts.

In the end, Mac had taken care of the rest: she had, point blank, told her husband that a) he didn't have to project his own history with women onto every young man in the country, that b) Mattie was of age, old and mature enough to judge for herself and headstrong enough to do it, and that c) he should be quiet and glad that Mattie had let him have a say in the affair and a look at her future housemates in the first place. Upon that, Harm had looked so lost in the face of double female power that Mattie had engulfed him in a big bear hug, telling him not to worry. She remembered distinctly hearing him mumble something along the lines of "getting old."

Getting to know her new friends a little better once she had moved in, Mattie had found Rob a lot more serious, though, than she suspected young Harm had ever been. Although Rob often let people see his smile and had the amazing ability to somehow always be in good humor, it had taken almost three weeks until Mattie had really seen him laugh. And he definitely didn't have Harm's women-killer qualities Mac had told her about over a cup of girls-talk coffee.

Instead, Rob tended to show a surprising amount of shyness when someone sought personal contact. More than once, Mattie had found it difficult to swallow her giggles at seeing Rob turn into a very stiff, old-fashioned British gentleman when faced with some flirting course mate. It was only with close friends like Hal that Rob let show his relaxed, sunny Arizonian side he had inherited from his American mother. Sharing a house with him and Hal had immediately included Mattie in the small circle of those knowing the private guy behind the friendly reserve.

Although Mattie had been living with them for a mere eight weeks, the trio had become next to inseparable, Hal repeating over and over again that he indeed liked having a female buddy around that he felt so totally comfortable with, after last term's ordeal of seeing Rob lose time with some undeserving girlfriend. In short: Mattie felt she was incredibly lucky with her present situation that already began to resemble more a surrogate family than anything else. 

And yet - neither Hal nor Rob knew about her past. Mattie felt so blissfully normal and comfortable with them that she kept pushing away the moment of acquainting them with her past and the demons that hadn't been dealt with yet. 'As long as there aren't any small planes around, there's no need to tell them about my fear of getting on them,' she kept telling herself, knowing well she was only putting off the decision, not facing it.
 
Until now, Mattie had managed to let it all pass with a simple 'caused by an accident I had when I was 16.' However, this indistinct, harmless picture was getting more difficult to maintain each time. So Mattie now tried to parry Hal's innocent question with an equally innocent answer. "Yeah, I'm probably feeding my helper's complex with the NEXUS," she admitted, seemingly easy. "Everyone is entitled to some sort of complex, right?"

"Does your helper's complex also force you to let me have your reading list for Linguistic Approaches?" Rob asked with a nonchalant grin, although Mattie suspected he saw her answer for what it was. Sometimes Rob could be damned perceptive.

"I told you it's not complete," she replied.

"Not complete is definitely more than I've got."

"Take mine," Hal offered. "I haven't had to fight psycho wars with a group of girlie-girls, or get some of the night's lost sleep in class."

"Shut up and tell me where I can find the list," Rob cut him off with a smile that would have been just a little arrogant, had the mock undercurrent not been so obvious.

"Middle pocket of my bag, blue folder."

"Thanks." Rob got up, reached for Hal's bag and began to rummage through it. Suddenly he stopped and slowly pulled out a small light-blue flyer. "Hey, what's this?"

"What's what?" Hal asked.

Rob held out the flyer to him. "I found this in your bag. This could be fun."

Hal recognized what Rob was handing him and shook his head. "If we had that kind of money sitting around, maybe, but I don't think we do."

Mattie deliberately frowned. "Uhm, guys, could you tell me what you're talking about?"

"Sorry, Matt, sure." The flyer still in his hand, Rob sat down beside her and put it on the table in front of her. Mattie took a look - and couldn't refrain from sucking in her breath.

The flyer read, "Free your mind from earthly problems... discover the third dimension." Underneath, the picture of an old bi-plane elaborated what the title wanted to insinuate. And under the picture, Ian's Flight School invited St Andrews students to try out flying at Ben Craig airfield, north of Dundee. With the help of a generous St-Andrews alumnus, the owners were able to offer special students rates, for learning as well as for rental.

A wave of emotions washed over her. Horror, as the last moments before the accident came to mind; pain, as the recollection of the yearlong aftermath followed instantly; panic, at the thought of ever sitting in such a narrow cockpit again, without the reassuring presence of a commercial airliner's emergency systems, and yet, longing and sadness, as she once again realized that for now, flying was out of reach - as long as she didn't face the fear. It always threatened to strangle her whenever she pictured herself strapped in her seat and gliding high above the scenery - be it the Appalachians or the Scottish Highlands.

"You all right, Matt?" Mattie felt a hand on her shoulder and shook herself from her momentary stasis. Rob was looking at her, clearly concerned.

"Want some more tea?" Hal asked, obviously puzzled.

Judging from her friends' expressions, the color had either drained from her face, or she had to be glowing with too much adrenaline. "No, thanks, it's nothing. Don't worry. Just, ah, the blood pressure," she stammered, yelling at herself to be a more professional liar. 

Rob only kept looking at her but never said anything. It was evident he didn't believe her.

"Why don't you lie down a little until you feel better?" Hal suggested.

Mattie gave them a slightly uneasy smile. "It's okay, really. I guess I might like some more of your Ayurveda stuff, though," she addressed Hal. "If you've got anything beneficial for people with low blood-pressure."

Hal bowed gallantly. "Of course, ma'am. Just a second." Grinning, he busied himself with the tealeaves.

Turning her head, Mattie saw Rob searching his bag for something. A moment later, he looked up at them, his smile secretive. "I hereby declare the flying season for open," he then declared pompously.

"What?" Mattie blurted out before Rob had the chance to say anything further. Angry, she noted that distinct panic was palpable in her voice. She immediately tried to mask it with feigned annoyance. "Come on, we're trying to be serious here. Shelve that rubbish for someone else."

"Hey, excuse me," Rob answered, clearly confused and apparently a little vexed. "All I was about to do was suggest we go flying someday. As you've got a pilot at hand." With this, he held out what he had found in his bag.

"You've got a pilot's license?" On Hal's astonished features, a huge question mark and a huge exclamation mark were warring. "Man, two years, and you never said a thing! Not even when Matt's dad was first here with her and he mentioned he was an aviator! Care to explain that to me?"

If she hadn't been so dazed with fear, Mattie would have teased Rob about the fact that he was actually blushing.

"Okay, so I've got a pilot's license. Others got horses or yachts," Rob answered, defensive and clearly a little uneasy. "My dad's got his private plane at an airfield near London, so I learned. But once you tell someone you fly, they'll immediately take you for some rich snob. That's why I didn't tell you at first, Hal, and then I somehow got the impression you weren't too interested in those kinds of things anyway. And Captain Rabb might have taken me for the macho kind of guy. You know how things are: you're most prejudiced against your own kind. Although I don't think the captain's like that himself, you know what reputation a lot of pilots have. So I assumed I'd better not let him know I flew, if we wanted Mattie to stay with us." He seemed to make a point about not meeting her glance, and right now Mattie was glad about it.

"Assumptions, assumptions!" Hal exclaimed comically. "Did you also assume that Jill wouldn't care about flying with you? Or why is it the topic never came up last year?"

"When I told her, she only said that nothing in the world could ever make her get on a small plane, so I left it be." Rob fatalistically shrugged. "And then, there wasn't any good place around for renting a plane, too. Glen Burrow is too far away, and McCullough's really is for the rich only. Just look at the rates. But this new place with its student discounts sounds great."

"Okay!" Hal was all enthusiasm. "Maybe we can even do a tour before the winter still! Wow, this is madness. What about you, Matt? Isn't this too cool to be true?"

Mattie didn't know how to react. In an instant, her safe home had turned into a place where she had to face the enemy head-on. No longer could she pretend to shut the door and leave her fears outside. And the moment she saw her friends' attention now focus on her, suddenly seeing she didn't respond the way they expected her to, her fear of having to board a small aircraft was joined by another that paralyzed her completely: the fear of seeing her friends' appreciation of her lessen if she owned she was such a coward. That she was a loser herself; that she couldn't seem to get a grip.

"What the hell is the matter with you, Matt?" Rob sounded genuinely worried. "I've never seen you like this before. You sure you don't need a doctor, maybe?"

This triggered her fury. "Of course I don't! Would you stop sounding like my dad, for God's sake?" The moment the words were out, Mattie felt her conscience give her a hard time. She had yelled at Rob, and she had indirectly insulted Harm. Neither of the two merited to be treated this way.

Rob's eyes had widened slightly in shock but he remained silent. Hal didn't, though. "Hey! He was just trying to be supportive!"

Mattie exhaled forcefully, trying to calm down to some degree. "I know, I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it if everyone constantly thinks I can't cope!" She hated herself for getting so irritable, but by now this was a pattern of reaction she couldn't easily fight.

"Would you care to tell us what this scene is all about?" Hal sounded unnerved. "Don't tell me you're just as bitchy as most other girls after all."

Mattie glared at him. "Screw your stereotypes! And just so you know, there's nothing to tell."

"Yes, there is." Rob's voice had been very calm, seeming to cool the air by at least ten degrees. His gaze was more inquisitive than accusing, making Mattie feel more uneasy still. "You don't need to apologize, but I prefer knowing exactly who my housemates are."

Mattie felt her shoulders drop as she leaned back, resigned. Her cheeks were starting to burn, and she swallowed her pride. To hell with it.

"I'm sorry I freaked out, but I tend to react that way whenever a situation like this comes up. It's... got to do with my accident. It was a flying accident."

Hal's eyes went round and he sat thunderstruck, but if Rob was surprised, he didn't let it on. "What happened?" was all he asked.

Drawing a deep breath, Mattie braced herself and let her friends in on her story. "My dad's got a plane of his own, too. An antique Stearman he restored by himself, a real treasure. Anyway, he started teaching me to fly, and I even started thinking about becoming a naval aviator like him. So I began taking regular flying lessons with a local instructor. 

"One day, they had predicted snow but I insisted on taking my lesson because the sky looked fine to me."

"Don't tell me your instructor took you up with a forecast like that," Rob interrupted, sounding incredulous. 

The interruption unnerved her because Mattie felt she wanted to get it over with. "Yes, he did," she answered, her words coming out a little hurriedly. "He probably knew he shouldn't have, and I know I shouldn't have asked, but I guess he needed the money. Anyway," she took up her tale again before Rob could say anything else, "the weather changed quickly when we were about to land. We tried..." 

She halted, swallowing. "I mean... my instructor... when we were coming in, he..." Again, she broke off, trying to get a grip on her panic that threatened to suffocate her. Trying to continue, she forced the words out. "The snow was too dense, and then there were those crosswinds..." Yet again, she had to stop, feeling a major lump in her throat. "I can't..." she only choked out, resting her face in her hands and concentrating on her breathing.

"You never said a word, either," was all Hal remarked in a compassionate voice, not quite seeming to know how to react.

"Because I wanted to be just like everyone else," Mattie whispered, never looking up. "And because... I just couldn't."

The kitchen was silent for quite some time. Eventually, Mattie felt someone pat her shoulder and looked up. Rob was giving her a slight smile. "I guess we get the picture. Just leave it be." He sobered. "But you do know that someday, you ought to talk about it, right?"

Mattie sighed and pulled herself up. "I know. The strange thing is that at first talking about it was never a problem. I don't know what caused it, but at a certain point the panic attacks started getting worse each time, and for over a year now, I can't even think about it without feeling like I can't breathe."

"Your instructor - is he all right?" Hal asked, intimidated.

Mattie stared in front of herself. "He didn't make it. I was in a coma for weeks, and I suffered a spinal injury." She heard how monotone her voice sounded but she couldn't force herself to break the emotional distance she'd built up. "For months, I was paralyzed from the neck down, and it took me years to recover. My neurologist says it's a miracle in itself that I did. I've never been on a small plane since."

Again, silence reigned for a few long moments, everyone following their own thoughts, but despite the situation, Mattie noted she was beginning to feel strangely light at heart, knowing that at least the lie was dead.

"Well," Hal began, a careful smile tingeing his voice, "I've never heard of an anti-panic Ayurveda treatment, but I might just get to be a pioneer in the field... anyone care for some tea?"

Surprised at the unexpected, clumsy, but somehow cute attempt at humor, Mattie turned her head to look at her friends. Hal's gaze read, 'Hey, I think that was funny, don't you?', and Rob's eyes conveyed understanding without judgment. Both combined, the message was clear:

They knew, and nothing had changed in the way they looked at her. Mattie felt her eyes getting slightly misty and a new lump growing in her throat. Without saying anything, she just extended her hands, firmly squeezing both her friends' forearms in a gesture of gratitude. Also for the first time ever, she didn't give a damn that her smile was watery.



November 28
2023 Local
Hotel Mercure
Kiel, Germany



["A call for you, sir."]

Harm got up from the table and sat down on his bed, leaning against the wall and stretching his legs. Better get comfortable for the family part. "Thank you, you can put the caller through."

A click in the line told him that the receptionist had made the connection. "Hello?"

["Hey, sailor. How's life on the continent?"]

"That's a pretty British way of geographic thinking. I see why it's time we returned to the States."

["Hey, you know what they say: when in Rome, do as the Romans do. So: when in London..."]

"I get the meaning, Mac. Okay, to stick to the picture: life on the continent is pretty lonely for a sailor whose girl is across the Channel on the island." Harm sighed comically and heard Mac chuckle a little. "I miss you," he added softly. "Both of you. Or make that three," he corrected himself. "How's my little boy? And have you heard from Mattie?"

["Your son has been an angel today, Captain. The day almost passed without an incident."] Mac's voice was ringing with suppressed laughter.

"Spill it. What's the 'almost' about?"

["Oh, nothing really. Just a little episode on the Underground, somewhere between Bayswater and South Kensington."]

"What happened?"

["Let's just say it involved Ben, his bottle full of carrot and orange juice and a white dress. Not mine, that is."]

"Ouch."

["My thoughts exactly."]

"How did you get out of that one?"

Mac let out something in between a chuckle and an embarrassed sigh. ["The woman whose skirt suffered the juice attack luckily just started laughing out loud and I, mortified as I was, ended up being consoled by her. She assured me she'd thought about dyeing that dress anyway and that your son just shortened the decision process. I didn't believe her, of course, and offered to pay for it, but she insisted she loved orange and that Ben had helped her rather than causing damage. She could barely stop laughing the rest of the ride. We still had a full ten minutes to go until we could get out. The train was packed because of the rush-hour, and I could just see people were thoroughly enjoying my embarrassment."]

Harm wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. "My poor favorite Marine. You survived, I suppose?"

["Barely, but yes."]

 "Glad to hear it."

["I thought you would be."]

When Mac continued, her voice let show that she had sobered a little. ["Mattie's fine, too. She called earlier, and we talked a little. But..."] For a fraction of a second, Mac hesitated as if she was pondering whether to tell him or not. ["She was quite obviously disappointed when she heard you were away on JAG business. I got the impression your daughter needed to talk to you for some reason."]

Immediately, worry began to creep into Harm's heart. He admonished himself not to be ridiculous. Mattie might want to talk to him for hundreds of completely harmless reasons. But he couldn't refrain from asking, "Her housemates giving her any trouble?"

He thought he could almost hear Mac shake her head at him. ["Objection. Counsel putting forth facts not in evidence. Goodness, Harm, can you give us a break about Mattie's living arrangements? You know those two are decent guys. You said so yourself, remember?"]

Harm felt himself squirm under Mac's virtual stare. "I know, you're right. But..."

["But what?"]

He sighed, knowing she'd won. "Hell, I'm just a worried father. Go easy on me, will you?"

["This once."]

"Gee, thanks, Mac."

["Welcome."]

"Do you know if I can call her tonight? She's always so busy."

Mac's audible smile made him relax a little. ["You two are more alike than you would think. Mattie asked me the exact same question earlier, and I told her for - what, the hundredth time? - that if she needed to contact you, you'd always have time for her. I guess she's afraid she might disturb you. But I know she'd be delighted to hear from you. You two should really learn to trust that people might actually love you enough to miss you and always be there."]

"Do you miss me?"

["Yes, I do,"] Mac answered, laughing. ["And now go and call her back. You can tell me about the case tomorrow over dinner. I'll fill you in on anything new about what happened to the Sandsfield and Morrison cases that the Embassy asked me to assess for them. Nothing thrilling, so that can wait. All quiet on the diplomatic front."] A chuckle concluded her sentence before she added, ["Mattie's priority number one. See you tomorrow, sailor."]

Tomorrow seemed still too far away. He suppressed a sigh. "I can't wait. I should be done by noon on the Gilchrist tomorrow, and they're scheduled to leave for Tallinn, anyway. I'll talk to the ensign again, before they move her to Landstuhl hospital, and then I'll have a helo waiting to take me to Hamburg so I can get an earlier flight. Do you think your boss might let you go early enough so you could pick me up at Heathrow at 1630?"

["We'll be there. Give Mattie my love, will you?"]

"Sure. I love you, Mac. Kiss Ben goodnight from me."

["Will do. I love you, too. Good night."]

"Good night."

The conversation had been all too short - as always when he needed to travel to personally oversee an investigation. Harm marveled yet again at how much he had come to dislike being on his own. The sworn independent bachelor from back then had indeed vanished into thin air. Harmon Rabb, Jr., was a 100% family man - no denying. And as such, he now immediately searched the memory of his cell and on the hotel phone dialed Mattie's number in Scotland.
 
Someone picked up on the third ring. ["Hello?"]

"Good evening. This is Captain Rabb. Is my daughter home?"

["Hello, Captain. Mattie's out getting take-away with Robert, but they should return any... wait, here they come."] Then the speaker, apparently the Indian computer freak, turned his head away from the receiver. ["Matt, your dad's on the phone!"]

Rustling was heard as the receiver was passed on, then a slightly breathless but delighted, "Harm! Did Mac tell you I called?"

Harm's heart jumped a little at the obvious joy in Mattie's voice. "Hey, kiddo. Nice to hear you, too," he teased. "Yes, she did, and she tells me to give you her love. So, what are you up to these days? Or do you want to eat first?"

["Oh, that's no problem. I got a salad for myself, so it's not like it can go cold or anything. So I've got all the time you can spare. Where are you? Mac just said you were doing some fieldwork."]

"Baltic Sea. Northern Germany, near the Danish border. But I'd rather hear about you. What have you been doing all day?"

Mattie's voice took up a tinge of excitement, but seemed to become just a little melancholy at the same time. ["I started out as a helper in the NEXUS research today. My friend Pamela who's doing her PhD on juvenile long-term rehab facilities kind of found my CV, well, interesting, when she was looking for an assistant."]

"I bet she did." Careful to keep his voice neutral, Harm asked, "Did you give her the full version?"

["I had to, although I would've preferred to be chosen because I'm good at it, not just because I've made it this far."] Mattie sounded slightly angered.

"Hey, cadet, how often have we been over this? Would you stop that nonsense, once and for all?" Harm knew his voice had sounded sharper than might have been advised, but Mattie's recent tendency not to be able to come to terms with her past anymore - now, such a long time after the actual drama - was something he didn't yet know how to deal with. Subsequently, every negative allusion to her situation would immediately put him on his guard. And his instinctive reaction to insecurity was to apply military discipline - if softened by love and worry. 

However, whenever a phrase of the kind was out, he immediately reproached himself with being a hardhearted, impatient jerk. So as usual, the apology followed on the spot. He exhaled in frustration. "I did it again, didn't I?"

The second of hesitation on the other end of the line cut deep. ["Yup,"] she finally answered.

"I'm sorry, Mats."

He was relieved when he heard the smile in her voice. ["I'm getting used to it, you know."]

"I promise I'll work on my reactions. But, please, stop humiliating yourself and trust that you're good at what you're doing. They don't give scholarships to mediocre students."

Mattie sighed, and Harm could hear she wasn't quite convinced yet. ["I know, I know. It's just... I don't know. Maybe it's because I did an interview today that shook me up a little."]

'Now we're getting to the point,' Harm thought, content that he didn't have to ask why she had initially wanted to talk to him. "Shook you up? In what way?"

["One of the girls Pam works with for her doctorate has just recently learned to walk with crutches again, after eighteen months in a wheelchair,"] Mattie explained. ["Jeannie is only fourteen, and she had an accident when she was on a mountain hike in Madeira with her parents. They had to walk through a steep, dark tunnel to follow their marked path, but they forgot to pack flashlights. They were in the middle of nowhere and that day no other hikers were near because it was raining.

["They needed to get home somehow, so they thought they would do the tunnel all the same and be careful. That's when Jeannie slipped and fell. She told me she was lucky she rolled out of the tunnel, so at least the helo could pick her up with minimal risk. But she hurt her spine, badly. Her coma was shorter than mine, but she'll probably never recover completely."]

"And now you're having a bad conscience because you did?" Harm asked.

["Yeah, maybe, but that's not really the problem. I've seen others who'll never walk again. What really got to me was that now she's afraid of the dark, and she's having panic attacks about it."]

Panic. This was the terrain where Harm needed to let Mattie take the lead. Not that he was never afraid. Far from it. He remembered being next to frozen with fear more often than would have been beneficial for a military man. However, he had always managed to get a grip in time to find a solution for the situation he was facing. The fact alone that he was still alive proved it. Panic disorder was something he could only understand on a very theoretical level.

He, too, had had to do an interview today that tackled the topic - in a slightly different way, but nevertheless, the duplicity of the events struck him. Maybe someone up there thought he needed some professional insight in order to deal with his daughter's demons. He still felt rather uncertain how to address a psychologically complex situation he was unfamiliar with, but at least he had already learned one thing during this morning's interview with the victim of the supposed accident he was investigating on the Gilchrist: he had to tread carefully if he wanted this conversation to lead somewhere other than into emotional retreat.

"Did you ask her if... if the attacks started immediately after she woke?" he ventured.

["The chronology of her symptoms, physical and mental, is what I need to research for Pam's statistics."] Mattie's voice made it clear she was seeking shelter behind scientific facts right now. ["Jeannie told me that at first, she only concentrated on her body. On what she could or couldn't do. It was only about a year after waking from the coma, when she could handle her everyday routine in a wheelchair, that darkness started to bother her. 

["That was six months ago. Seems there's a pattern to panic disorder that makes the aftermath of a situation cause the attacks only once the situation has more or less been dealt with, physically. Now Jeannie always sleeps with the lights on and starts to scream if anyone turns them off."] Nothing in Mattie's speech indicated that she might be making a clear connection to her personal problems right now. Harm suspected it would become his task to help her build that bridge.

"Does she get professional help about it?" He tried to keep the conversation flowing.

["Not yet. She's just starting to realize that her parents might be right suggesting she do."]

"And..." Again Harm hesitated, hoping he found the right words. "Did you tell her about your past?"

["Strangely, yes,"] Mattie replied, sounding thoughtful. ["At first, I decided not to, but of course she brought everything back...."] She let her voice trail off.

A few moments passed in silence until Harm decided to take the jump. "And did you tell her about your own panic attacks?"

More seconds ticked by, making Harm already doubt he had chosen his words wisely, when she finally answered. ["Eventually."] Mattie's voice had lowered quite a bit, and Harm had to concentrate to understand her. ["Do you remember how I could never really talk about what I'm feeling when..."] Her intake of breath was audible even over the phone line. ["Anyway, Jeannie's at a point where she can describe the sensation."] Harm almost thought he could hear her shudder from afar. ["It was so weird, Harm. Her words could have been mine. So I let her know what the fear does to me. First time I could ever tell anyone,"] she added, nearly whispering.

"Can you tell me?"

["Not yet,"] she answered, her voice sorrowful and pleading. ["But I'll write it down one of these days, when I'll do my report for Pam. Then I'll let you have it, I promise, okay?"]

"Okay." He decided to simply wait if and how Mattie wanted to go on, not caring if Deutsche Telekom was making a fortune from their long-distance call. When she didn't speak up, he took the initiative again, feeling he didn't want to let the conversation drown just yet. "This is one of those strange days," he mused.

["What do you mean?"]

"Do you ever get the feeling that there's a pattern to your day? A sort of theme that carries you through from morning to night?"
 
["I guess, yeah. Why?"]

He pulled himself up on the bed again to sit more comfortably. "Because the supposed accident I'm looking into on the USS Gilchrist seems to have been caused by someone suffering from panic attacks, too."

["You're making this up now, right?"]

"No, honestly. An ensign who's one of the ship's liaisons with the Germans and the Danish suffers from vertigo," Harm began to describe the case. "From what I understood that wasn't always the case but it dates from after she all but fell from the radar tower once. She managed to conceal her fear from the crew and from her superiors, but the day of the incident she couldn't avoid doing a guided tour of the ship with a German and Danish delegation of military engineers all on her own. So she swallowed her fear and took them up on the tower, too."

On this, Mattie seemed to come to life. ["She took them up of her own free will although it caused her panic? Gosh, I don't think I could get up my courage to do that."]

Harm sighed, thinking of the young woman who would have to carry a heavy burden for the rest of her life. "Turns out she couldn't, either," he said. "About halfway up, she made the mistake to turn and look down. She says she was paralyzed with sudden fear, so she lost her grip on the ladder and fell. The fall wasn't too high, but in falling, she knocked a Danish lieutenant off the ladder. This turned it into an international incident, requiring me to fly down to Germany."

["How badly were they hurt?"] Mattie's voice sounded somewhat shaky.

"The ensign will live, and she'll probably recover from her own injuries, but she'll need to learn to live with the fact that the Danish lieutenant broke his neck on a railing and died because she tried to conceal her problems."

["Damn..."] The other end of the line grew very quiet, and again Harm waited. It wasn't until he heard something that sounded like a muted sniffle that he spoke up, worried.

"Mats? You okay?"

He heard her take a shaky breath, and when she answered, he could hear the tears in her slightly suffocated voice. ["Dammit... what good is it to try and overcome your fears if you end up in a nightmare that's even worse?"]

Her grief tore at his heart and Harm wished he could offer some physical support instead of mere words. Now he would have to make his voice convey the consolation somehow. And he had no clue how he was supposed to do that.

"That's because she didn't get the help she needed," he said gently. "I'm hardly an expert in those things, but I've been told you can't just cure panic disorder on your own, forcing yourself to do what triggers the attacks. But there are ways."

["But even if you don't feel like being strangled anymore every time you think about it: you still need to actually do it someday!"]

"Right, but you'll be prepared, and you could take someone with you who'll help you pull through." Harm felt they were covertly talking about Mattie now, and if this indirect approach helped her, he would stick to it as long as she did.

["And what if you get there, and then you just can't? Like the ensign? What if you just realize you'll never again be able to do what you wanted? And what if you know you'll disappoint the person who's trying to help you?"] A shaky sob followed the rushed flow of words.

Harm felt grieved that she was beating herself up so badly about it, but at the same time he was touched that not wanting to disappoint him was such a big issue for her. He needed to set her at ease at least about that one. "If someone wants to help a friend take a big step," he contradicted softly, "and if he really cares about that friend, then he'll never be disappointed if it doesn't work out, because the important thing is that the friend tried, you know?"

Once again, they grew quiet. ["I'll think about it,"] Mattie finally said, her voice still doubtful and teary, but gratitude shining through her words. ["You'll get an update when I come home for Christmas."]

Knowing this was more than he could have hoped to get out of this conversation, let alone on the phone, Harm felt a smile cause his features to relax. "All right," he simply acknowledged their agreement to let the matter rest for now. Mattie had made a first tiny step tonight, and she was independent enough to decide for herself where she wanted to go from here. No need to put her under additional pressure.

["I love you."]

"I love you, too, Mats. Sleep tight."

["You, too. And hug Mac and Ben for me, will you?"]

"Sure thing. Bye, hon."

["Bye."]

Putting his phone back on the side table, Harm once again thought he wouldn't trade the feeling of being a husband and father for anything in the world.


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December 15
1737 Local
South Street
Old town 
St Andrews, Scotland



Robert Brendan was slowly beginning to feel like a Scotland Yard inspector observing a suspect. Originally, he'd only just dropped by to pick Mattie up so she wouldn't have to walk home in the cold rain. But by now, he had been sitting in his car, observing the entrance on the opposite side of the street, for about 40 minutes without seeing anything of her. His mild astonishment about the session taking so long was starting to change to slight worry. A shrink's time was best compared to money slipping through your fingers. If this went on for another 15 minutes, Mattie would have to pay triple for her first session already. And try as he might, Rob couldn't decide for himself whether to interpret this as a good sign or not.

True, the duration suggested that Mattie and her future therapist seemed to have immediately found some common ground to base a conversation on. If this meant Mattie had been able to open up about her problems, all the better. He knew she had been highly motivated to tackle her phobia ever since she'd gotten off the phone with her father, two weeks ago. She had also told Rob about the young girl she was working with in the NEXUS, and he could easily see the connection Mattie's father must have pointed out between the cases. Rob felt he would really like to get to know the captain a little better, and his wife, too - from what he'd learned between the lines, Mattie's adoptive parents had to have hearts of gold. And no need to mention that she adored her little brother.

Flying hadn't directly come up again after Mattie's revelation of what she'd been through. Rob understood this had to be a trauma still not fully dealt with, and he knew forcing the issue would be pointless. However, he could somehow feel just how much flying seemed to mean to his friend, and he was determined to help her achieve what she once wanted most: to be able to fly together with her dad. She so feared disappointing him if she didn't get there. So Rob couldn't help but see it as his personal responsibility to convince her to take the first actual step of getting in the air with Hal and him, seeing as he had brought the topic up in the first place. Not immediately, but once she'd have firmly engaged in her therapy. 

Rob had prepared a little surprise for Mattie for Christmas. He just had no clue how to give it to her without causing a negative reaction. However, today was his last chance to do it personally, as he had to join his family near London tonight for his grandparents' golden wedding anniversary and would then stay with them until New Year.

He jumped and hit his head on the car ceiling when someone knocked on the rear window. Mattie was looking at him, laughing. Rob only shook his head at himself. Scotland Yard, indeed. As a detective, he'd probably be dead by now. He signaled to her to come around the car and get in, leaned over and opened the door.

"Hey, now that's some service!" Mattie greeted him, slipping onto the seat and fastening the seatbelt. "Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome," he said, just a little stiffly, trying a smile and ordering himself to act normal. He couldn't quite understand why recently, he tended to tense up a little whenever the lively American was near. In his perception, nothing had changed since he'd first known her. And yet, Mattie's curly ponytail was a sight he had so gotten used to seeing at breakfast in the kitchen that he felt something was lacking when she wasn't there. Her witty, sometimes biting humor had absolutely added to the fun of discussing whatever came up over Hal's tea, and when something was bothering them, Mattie had proven to be a first-class listener, even though she always repeated that she couldn't offer any advice. But her being there was already more than Rob had been used to for a long time. He just wished he weren't so darn shy when things got personal.

"That was a long session," he tried. "I take it you like your therapist?"

"She's great. Please remind me to thank Sherry for pointing me to her," Mattie said. "Actually, Dr. Norris doesn't say much. She just listens in a way you think will already solve your problems."

He shot her a grin, eyebrows up high. "For her not talking, you stayed a very long time."

"I didn't say we didn't talk," Mattie retorted, half-amused, half-defensive, before her expression turned a little compassionate. "I'm just sorry you had to wait for so long. But if I'd known you'd come pick me up I would..."

"But you didn't. So the fault's all mine, if there's any," he brushed her worries aside, still smiling. "You don't have to tell me if you don't feel like it, but how does she go about it? Did she jump right into the problems head-on?"

"No, quite the contrary: she seems to like a subtle approach. We started out with family and friends and studies and such. We were only just getting to the good stuff when my time would've been over, so she said that as she didn't have any other patients today, we might go on a little so she could get a clearer picture of my situation, if I felt like staying."

"Nice way to double your income," he couldn't help stating.

"No such thing, actually," Mattie contradicted. "She extended the session for free, as I'm a friend of Sherry's. Sherry even told me beforehand something of the kind might happen the first time around. Seems Dr. Norris likes to get to know her patients well from the start. I think I might even recommend her to Jeannie next time I go see her."

"I'm glad you two seem to have hit it off." He was indeed, he noted.

Mattie nodded with a relieved expression. "I was a little afraid at first," she admitted, "but once I got accustomed to talking about whatever came to my mind, time passed really quickly."

"I don't think that once you've made up your mind to open up, it's very easy to keep you from talking," Rob observed, putting the car into first and merging into the afternoon traffic.

"Jealous I never get bored with myself?" she teased back.

"Kind of, yeah," he admitted with a grin. "Anyway, now I'll have a full three weeks at home to redefine my relationship with myself. Let's see how far I get."

"Not very far. You're not egocentric enough," she declared.

"And you are?"

"If I choose to be, yeah." Mattie sobered. "When will you leave?"

"Night train from Dundee. It's going to be mighty quiet at home without you two around."

"I'm gonna miss you guys, too, when I go home for Christmas. Although I can't wait to see my family. My little brother's growing so fast, and I'm not going to have another, so I better make the most of it."

Rob feigned a depressed look. "And what about me? I don't have a brother."

"Awww..." Grinning, Mattie put her right index under her right eye and slightly pulled the lower lid down with a grimace of mock compassion. "Anything I can do to make you feel better?"

Tensing inwardly, Rob thought this might be his chance. He didn't want to leave her gift behind without telling her how to understand it. "Actually... yes. Have a look in the right inside pocket of my jacket that's on the back seat, will you?"

Mattie did what she was told and retrieved the light-blue envelope he had placed there. "Got it. What next?"

"Open it."

He risked a glance to his left side and saw her frown in puzzled interest. 'Please, don't get me wrong,' he silently begged her as she pulled the card out of the envelope and read in silence.

For a long moment she said nothing and Rob already started thinking about an adequate apology.

"Are you trying to make fun of me?" she finally asked, her eyes never leaving the card as if they could change the words written on it.

Damn. He'd known beforehand that she wouldn't understand. However, a friend of his who was right now doing her master's degree in psychology had encouraged him to try it out. "I hope you know I'd never do that, Matt," he answered.

"Then explain to me what you were thinking when you wrote this." She hadn't sounded hostile, just completely at a loss and uncomfortable with it.

"I was hoping your therapy would start in a promising direction. Since that phone conversation with your dad, two weeks ago, you've been seeing Jeannie at least twice a week, and you were so determined to tackle your problem, that I thought... I thought that for Christmas, I might promise you to help you get through your first flight on a small plane. It'd only be me and you, and if you want, Hal, and someone else, Pam or Sherry, for example. Whoever makes you feel secure. Just so you can surprise your dad and tell him you did it. And if you can't muster the courage, which I doubt, then I promise he'll never know."

Mattie swallowed visibly. "This is so sweet of you, but... I don't think I can do it yet."

Rob stopped at a red traffic light. "If you read it carefully you'll see there's no time limit on it," he said. "This is just a 'whenever-is-fine' token. You continue with your therapy, you name the day, I talk to Ian and reserve a plane, and we go up doing highland sightseeing like few do. How does that sound?" In slight shock, he noticed he had placed his left hand on Mattie's right thigh, giving her a reassuring squeeze. As if he'd burned himself, he pulled it back, firmly gripping the steering wheel and staring out in front. He was glad when the lights changed to green so he could concentrate on the traffic.

A deep breath was the first answer he got. "Theoretically, that sounds just great. Really, it does, and I'm thrilled that you thought about such a great gift for me. It's just..." She sighed, then turned her head to him and smiled crookedly. "Now I have two people I'll disappoint if I don't pull through."

For some reason, her statement warmed his heart. "That's not exactly true," he contradicted a little mischievously. "As I said: your dad would never know, and as for myself - I'm just a means to an end. I know how to fly the plane. The rest is up to you alone. And I don't care if it's going to be March or June or August 2020. Just promise me we'll do this one day, okay?"

Mattie took a long time to answer, twirling the card in her hands, seeming lost in her thoughts. Eventually, when he was just pulling up in front of their house, she sighed a little shakily and again looked at him. The smile she was giving him was insecure - but it radiated thankfulness in a way that for a moment overwhelmed him. He instantly busied himself arranging some maps in the small compartment that was integrated in his door. After a few seconds, though, he realized he was being impolite, left the maps as they were, and with an expression that he was convinced screamed of his uneasiness turned to face her again.

Mattie's huge blue eyes were on him, and Rob was too confused to figure out what lay in them. "I promise we'll do this one day," was all she said softly. "Thank you, Rob - I don't know what to say."

He needed to ease the tension. "Say you'll cook your dad's fabulous vegetarian lasagna tonight," he deliberately broke the spell, feeling relieved but, to his dismay, also sad that he had. "I know the recipe turned up again in between Hal's specials. We've still got the time to go to the supermarket, and I'll sleep much better on the train if I eat well tonight."

"I can do that." Mattie opened the car door. "Just hope I'll never bring home my dad's recipe for meatless meatloaf. From what my mom tells me she once compared it to toxic waste."

"Riiiight....Lasagna?"

"Lasagna."



December 24, 2009
1912 Local
Rabb residence
Kensington
London, England



"Clear the way!" Harm's voice sounded slightly strained when he entered the living-room at a quick pace, carrying the heavy roasting pan in front of him and making a beeline for the dining table. "Does this bird have somewhere to land?"

"Wait.... yup. Come in at 000 degrees exactly!" Mattie quickly took one more glass away that stood a little too close to the terracotta plate designed to hold the hot pan. "...aaand: touchdown," she announced when Harm set the enormous turkey down, straightening and wiping a few beads of perspiration from his forehead.

"Did I snag the three-wire?" he asked, panting.

"Positive, sir," Jen answered.

"Good." Harm let himself fall onto his chair.

"Turtey," Ben observed, turning expectantly to his mother.

"Yes, that's daddy's turkey, and now we're all going to see if he did well." Mac blew Harm a kiss over the table. "At least judging from the smell, you outdid yourself, Mr. Almost-Vegetarian."

"It can't be worse than Jenny's try at mince pies last week, ma'am," the blond young man sitting next to Coates cut in with a grin.

Jen slapped him on the shoulder with a mock frown. "Owning a café doesn't make you an expert cook, either, Tom. And then, English cuisine..."

"Stop it, you two!" Mattie reached for the mashed potatoes. "I loved your roast beef, Jen. Tom's just looking for a reason he needn't pop the question yet."

"Miss Mathilda..." Jen's boyfriend threateningly murmured in her direction.

"Water, anyone?" Harm got up again with the carafe, saving the situation. "And, by the way: Merry Christmas, and hand me your plates, okay?"

"Turtey!"

"Coming, sport," Harm answered his son, winking. Handing the carafe to Jen, he began to cut the turkey. "Could someone serve me some potatoes and vegetables while I'm busy here, please?"

"It's a pity we can't get back at her now," Tom said, turning to Jen but clearly intending his words for Mattie. "Well, maybe next time there will be someone here to tease her about, for a change."

Harm saw Jen's look turn mischievous. "Oh, we might as well do it now, I guess," she answered. "Hearing her talk of certain people..." She let her voice trail off.

"Who?" came Harm's immediate reaction. He involuntarily halted his movements. When he saw everyone's eyes on him, he concentrated on the turkey again, trying to ignore the suppressed snickering. However, his ears were on high alert.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Mattie answered. Harm thought her tone had been just a little too defensive to pass for disinterested.

"I can count, you know," Jen said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that whenever we talk on the phone, every tenth word is 'Rob'. Rob this, Rob that - just stating hard facts here."

"That's not true."

"Sorry to disappoint you, Mats," Mac spoke up, her smile audible, "but Jen's always been a keen observer."

Harm still kept his eyes glued to the turkey he was now serving on the plates that were held out to him. "I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary," he stated, seemingly neutral. "Should I have?"

"I'm not surprised you didn't," Mac replied, now laughing openly. "Our history speaks volumes on that point."

He looked up and made a face. "Touché. Anyway, Mats, is there anything you might like to share?" He smiled encouragingly, hoping - but doubting - she might elaborate on the story.

Mattie's expression had turned a little exasperated. "Harm, you and I normally talk about your work and my studies." She turned to face Mac. "Mac, I tell you about the household stuff as you're less sensitive about my living arrangements." Harm saw Mattie's eyes wander to the next listener again. "Jen, I've told you a million times Rob and I are just friends, like with Hal, too. Everybody, could we please change the subject?"

"You started it, you know," Jen observed.

"Yeah, I know I did, and I'm sorry. I just think that after four years, Mr. Thomas Gardiner might as well make up his mind to speak up and give me a chance to be a bridesmaid again."

"Who says he hasn't?"

"What??"

Jen chuckled. "You better swallow first, Mattie. No, nothing's changed. But as soon as there's a change of situation, you'll be the first to know, okay?"

Mattie's breath that she'd been holding came out, sounding just a little frustrated. "I might get to be your matron of honor by that time, but okay."

"Don't be too sure about that, Mattie," Tom cut in and Harm wondered if he was only imagining the slight secretive undertone in his voice. "Sometimes things happen when you least expect them to."

"You're not planning on asking her right here, are you?" Mac inquired, clearly curious, wiping little Ben's mouth who was busy chewing.

"No, but we might as well let you know that for starters, I'm looking into options for selling my place and opening a new one somewhere in the D.C. area, by the time you all transfer back to the States," Tom replied, casting a quick smile in Jen's direction.

Harm finally sat down again and took his fork. "If you ask me, that's second best to a diamond ring. I won't congratulate you yet because I'm slightly superstitious with things as these, but I'd say, way to go."

"Thank you all the same, sir." Jen had actually blushed a little, he noted. "And maybe next year you'll have a guest from Europe instead of us..."

"Jen!"

"Sorry, Mats. I just couldn't resist. Forgive me?"

"This once."

The conversation turned westward now as Mac read them a long email Harriet had sent earlier, wishing them all happy holidays. Harm relaxed in his chair and rejoiced in seeing his extended family assembled around the table like this. He had left his worries at the office and wouldn't look at them again before January 4. However, he made a silent mental note to be a little more attentive from now on, talking to Mattie on the phone.

Just a little. You never knew.


*********************
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*********************


March 12, 2010
1022 Local
Ben Craig Airfield
North of Dundee
Scotland



The weather had been extraordinary for the last two weeks. It was as if the sun wanted to prove that spring could be the same at the 56 parallel as it was at Washington's 39th this time of the year. The wind could still be chilly, but nevertheless the sunrays warmed those courageous enough to sit outside in sheltered corners, and the sky over the highland peaks was as blue as Monet could have painted it.

Ideal flying weather.

Although neither of her friends had said a word, Mattie had felt increasingly pressured to make up her mind to give it a try. She knew Hal and Rob would never go flying without her, as they knew she was secretly battling with the subject, but she did notice the way Rob would look at the sky when they were walking outside. Someone unconnected to the matter probably wouldn't have picked up on it, but Mattie had seen this exact same expression too often in Harm's eyes when he longed to take a tour in Sarah but was buried up to his neck and then some in work. 

Seeing the same longing in her friend's eyes and knowing he tried to hide it because he knew it caused her problems made Mattie hurt for him. As long as they couldn't be sure the weather would hold, she had an excuse to wait, but eventually she realized that the only way to ease the underlying tension rested in her very own hands. So two days ago, she had dug up all the courage she could find within her and had, without saying a word, entered the kitchen for their traditional night tea - placing the flight-school flyer and Rob's Christmas card on the kitchen table in front of them. Her sacrifice had immediately been recognized as such.

Rob looked up in surprise and instantly understood. "You sure, Matt?" was all he said.

Hal looked at him questioningly. "Sure about what?"

Rob ignored him. "You don't look too comfortable about it," he gently told her. "Don't do anything you don't feel at ease about yet, okay?"

Mattie swallowed and tried a crooked smile. "You notice everything, do you? No, I'm not feeling comfortable about it. In fact, this is scaring the hell out of me. But I've been seeing Dr. Norris twice a week since December, and I've talked to her about this a lot recently. Today she told me that now was as good a point to try as any. She says I've already come a long way in the therapy, more than she thought I would, at this point. Now I might want to think about taking the next step." She sighed shakily. "Which is: flying with someone I trust."

"Wow, that's great, Matt," Hal congratulated her, getting up and patting her on the back. "Celebration tea?" he asked, winking.

"Slow down," Mattie replied, lifting her hands in an appeasing gesture. "I haven't been up there yet. I might still screw it up. But as to the tea: thanks, I'd like some."

"I second what Hal said," Rob spoke up. Mattie wasn't sure if she had just imagined the slight tinge of pride in his voice, but the smile he gave her was one of pure encouragement. "Way to go, Matt. Just yell and I'll talk to Ian first thing in the morning."

Her chuckle was clearly uneasy. "Well, I just yelled, I guess."

If possible, his smile widened. "Uh... yeah, I guess you did. Sunday?"

"If the weather forecast is good."

"It is," Hal said, pouring Mattie a cup of his freshly brewed beverage. "13 degrees centigrade, little wind, high pressure, 1024 millibars, lowering in the course of the afternoon. Low pressure approaching but not hitting land before early Monday. No precipitation during the weekend. Good enough, I'd say. Rob?"

"Sounds just fine." Mattie could see Rob was trying to hide his excitement. Again he looked a lot like Harm when he didn't want to let on that something was moving him. 

Involuntarily, she smiled. "Then it's a date. And I'll ask Pam, too, so we can go up in four and pay less," she added when she noticed how Rob jumped on the word 'date'.

That had been on Friday night. Mattie had actually managed to relax and had almost looked forward to the magnificent tour Rob had planned for the four of them. However, when they got in the car this morning to drive out here, her stomach had begun to cramp slightly. She had tried to convince herself this was due to the many curves in the street, but now, standing on the tarmac and watching Rob do the pre-flight check-up, she couldn't fool herself any longer. She was only glad she didn't have to play brave with any of the group as Pam knew her from their work in NEXUS.

The petite young woman laid her arm around Mattie's waist and gave her a comradely squeeze. "You'll do fine, Matt. Jeannie let us switch off the lights last Wednesday, and if she can face her fear, then you will, too. And if you feel you can't hold it together, then just tell me." She smiled and held her open backpack in front of Mattie's eyes. "I brought a 'frustration towel'. If things go haywire for you, grab it, bite on it, and scream as loud as you can, okay? The muffled tone won't scare us, and you can work your fear off on it until you don't have any force left. Works wonders." She winked. "I can tell from my own experience."

For a moment, Mattie let her head rest on her older friend's shoulder. "Thanks, Pam. You're the best. I'm glad you're here."

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't have missed this tour for the world!"

"Ladies? We'd be ready for take-off," Rob invited them to join Hal and him.

They walked over to their friends and waited to be given further instructions.

"Matt, do you think you'd be all right sitting in front with me?" Rob asked. "I think looking at the control panel might let you have a better feeling for what's happening, as you know what you're seeing. And I always like having a co-pilot at hand," he added with a wink.

'No need to freak out, you could sit anywhere,' Mattie told herself. "Okay," she agreed, "but remember I'm not... exactly a pilot."

"Sure, don't worry."

Pam and Hal got in in the rear, and Mattie braced herself. Drawing a deep breath, she stepped on the wing, pulled herself up and slid onto the co-pilot's seat next to Rob, who handed her a headset. She put it on, fiddling with the mike a little because her hands were suddenly shaking wildly. Rob noticed her distress, leaned over and straightened it out for her. Mattie felt he was suddenly awfully close. She tensed.

Gently holding on to both her earmuffs, he looked at her intently. "Point of no return, Matt," he said softly so the others wouldn't hear. "It's okay if you want to call it off. We'd all understand." He still didn't draw back his hands.

Mattie needed two tries to get her voice to comply, but she was determined to stand her ground. "Thank you," she answered just as low, trying a smile. "But I'll be okay." Reaching up with her right hand, she closed her fingers around his right wrist and held on for a short moment until he gave a slight, encouraging nod, letting go of her headphone and leaning back in his seat.

Getting the permission via the radio, Rob ignited the motor. "Ben Craig ground control, this is 3-4-7-Golf-November, requesting taxiing clearance," he told the tower.

The tower radioed the permission to taxi to the far end of the runway. "Hang on, folks, here we go," Rob announced and set their Tiger in motion. Mattie kept her eyes glued to the instruments, daring them to indicate anything out of the ordinary, until she became aware of her underlying paranoia and forced herself to lean back. Then she turned in her seat.

"Pam?"

"Yes?"

"Umm, might I have the towel, please?" she asked sheepishly. "Just in case, you know."

With a smile, Pam handed her the requested object, not commenting. Mattie made a long, thin roll and bit on it as she would on a stick, feeling stupid. However, when none of the others gave the slightest sign that they found she was acting silly but just kept concentrating on what Rob was doing, she relaxed, finding the sensation of grinding her teeth around something soft did indeed ease her tension to some degree. Meanwhile, Rob had radioed for take-off clearance.

"3-4-7-Golf-November, this is Ben Craig air control, you are cleared for take-off," the tower told them.

Rob acknowledged, concentrated and advanced the throttle. Vibrating slightly, the Tiger picked up speed as it followed the long, slim strip of tarmac until the speed indicator in front of her told Mattie it was time to pull up. Synchronically to her thoughts, Rob made the aircraft gain height, and instantly, the well-known floating sensation settled in her stomach, electrifying and at the same time paralyzing her. Clinging forcefully to her armrests, Mattie closed her eyes for the moment, concentrating on her breathing as long as the plane was ascending fast.

Eventually, Rob eased the Tiger's nose down a little. Feeling the gravitation pressing her in her seat lessen to some degree, Mattie dared open her eyes again, noticing she all but had a cramp in her jaws from biting the towel hard all the time up. Once her eyes had put together a clear picture of her surroundings, Mattie felt as though she were able to move again and took the cloth out of her mouth. Massaging her sore face muscles, she found it hard not to grin.

Rob looked over to her now, and in his green eyes, Mattie saw the same sparkling joy she remembered seeing in Harm's blue ones, up in the air. The smile he gave her momentarily took her breath away. "Welcome back, Matt," was all he said. "And this," with his hand he made a presenting gesture in front, "is all for you today."

Trembling - but not knowing whether with fear or with anticipation - Mattie straightened in her seat and for the first time really dared look outside.

The land was still mostly brownish-gray, as the molten snow had left it, but if one looked more closely, a slight green veil seemed to cover the pastures, telling of the nearing spring. Down below, the Strathmore Valley was stretching, flanked on both sides by the rocky, but rounded highland peaks. Some of the mountain tops still showed snowy spots in some hidden corners, and little lakes of melting water were sparkling in the brilliant sun.

"Over there." Hal, who had a map on his knees, stuck his outstretched arm in between Rob and Mattie pointing in front. "That should be Ben Macdhui, that peak at about 11 o'clock. And if we continue in this direction, we should get to see Ben Nevis, too, at more or less 9 o'clock." It was obvious he was all excitement.

"How are you feeling, Mattie?" Pam asked, resting her hands on Mattie's shoulders. 

Slowly, Mattie emerged from the dazed paralysis that had taken hold of her. The airspeed indicator showed they were traveling at about 120 knots. The directional indicator read 315, a northwestern course, and the altimeter told her they were flying on a cruising altitude of approximately 6000 feet above sea level. They were flying, as it seemed, with utmost ease, and the gorgeous panorama left her speechless.

"I'd forgotten what this feels like," she whispered, more to herself. Her lower lip started to tremble and she bit it, staring in front.

No one had heard her but Rob had seen she had answered. "You okay?" he asked.

Her eyes wandering to and fro between the windows and the control panel, Mattie only nodded, overwhelmed, fighting her tears. For a moment she glanced to the side and met Rob's eyes. She could see he instantly understood what was going on in her. His worried expression lit up and it was with new energy that he turned in front, taking the Tiger into a wide, smooth turn to the left, opening the view on the valley a little wider.

"Wow, this is so awesome." Pam had her nose flattened against the side window. "Just imagine that the others are just following their usual Sunday routines, like sleeping off last night's two liters of Guinness, or whatever..."

"... and we might just be spying on whatever they do, from up here," Hal chimed in. "If I'd brought my notebook, there's this program issued by NASA that..."

"I don't even want to think about what ways there are to keep us under constant observation," Rob said. "I prefer clinging to the naive belief that at least in the bathroom I'm on my own."

"You never know." Hal's voice had taken up a somber undertone, making them laugh. "At least Shiva sees you wherever you might be."

"Reassuring thought."

Mattie's chest felt as if she would burst if she didn't find a valve for her emotions soon. "Guys," she spoke up, not caring about the distinct trembling in her voice. "Don't worry, please, I'm fine. But if I don't scream now, I'll burst. This is just... I don't know... I..."

"Take the towel, Matt," Pam reminded her, her grin audible.

"Okay..." Mattie stuffed the roll of cloth between her teeth again, drew a mighty breath and then screamed into the towel with all that was in her. When she ran out of breath, she pulled the cloth from her mouth and wiped the tears from her eyes. Around her, loud clapping and whooping was heard.

"Yeeehaa!" Hal yelled from behind, punching her arm. "You did it, Matt! This is it!"

"I can't believe it!" Mattie half laughed, half cried.

"Way to go, Matt," Rob said, shooting her a radiant smile and then exercising another elegant turn that made them feel the g's just a little more than was necessary. The maneuver elicited more excited whoops and laughter, and this time, Mattie joined in as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her. At the apparent success of his stunt, Rob repeated it various times, careful to stay within the limits of what air control would tolerate. Who ever needed champagne to feel this giddy? Mattie wondered, never wanting this moment to end.

"Okay, people," Hal spoke up again when they had quieted down a bit. "Now let's do what we've come here for in the first place. Here goes: if Rob didn't screw up our course with his maneuvers, we should be heading towards Ben Nevis now. We should be able to see the peak in..."

As it turned out, Rob had plotted a magnificent course, and Hal had outdone himself preparing a commentary worthy of Jim Carrey mimicking a tourist guide. They followed a wide round course, always seeing the Grampian mountains at their starboard side, finally turning their tail on them in order to head towards Ben Craig airfield again. 

They were still gliding smoothly above the scenery, making about 135 mph in ground speed. However, once they had adjusted to the 135 course that was to take them home again, Mattie noted that Rob was gripping the yoke more tightly, his brow occasionally furrowing. Involuntarily analyzing the Tiger's movements, she noticed that the winds must have strengthened, occasional crosswind gusts pushing the aircraft a little off the course, forcing Rob to counteract with the rudder.

The others didn't seem to have noticed yet. Hal and Pam were right now vividly discussing the benefits of an Ayurveda treatment for stress disorder. Feeling her insides start to clench in a first reminder of her feared panic, Mattie resolved that she needed to stay inconspicuously happy, in order not to make them uneasy. After all, the slight turbulences were nothing out of the ordinary, and Rob didn't seem all that bothered by them. Applying one of the autogenic-training methods suggested by Dr. Norris, Mattie willed her rising fear down and attentively observed the control panel in front of her.

"You're being very quiet there, Matt," Hal eventually observed. "You okay?"

Mattie forced a smile into her voice. "Yeah, don't worry, I'm fine. I guess I tired myself out a little, screaming so much, you know."

"Ah, okay."

For a few minutes, all proceeded normally, and Mattie had just about begun to finally relax again, when Murphy's Law struck.

"Argh, f***!" Rob swore, making them all jump. He was furiously rubbing his left eye, trying not to let his movements have effect on the yoke.

"What is it?" Hal sounded slightly panicky. "You all right?"

"Yeah, as you can see I'm just great!" Rob ground out, hissing in pain, still rubbing his eye.

"What happened?" Pam somehow managed to sound all calm.

"There was this fly circling around me all the time," Rob told them. "I noticed it right after take-off, but as long as the weather was so easy it didn't bother me at all. Now we're hitting slight turbulences, nothing big, but I need to concentrate more to keep her steady. So the beast was starting to irritate me. I tried to get it when it was sitting on the window next to me, but just when I was preparing to slap, a gust from the side shook the plane, and my movement went out of control. I hit myself in the face, and problem is," he hissed again and swallowed, "my thumbnail scratched my left eye. Hurts like hell. Right now, I can't see a thing here. Once it calms down, the sight's gonna return in full, but I can't see very well on the right, too, because the pain's making my eyes tear up. Everything's just one big blur."

"Oh, shit..." Hal murmured flatly. "How long until you're operational again?"

"Too long, probably a couple of hours. We can stay up another 30 minutes or so but we'll be running short on fuel if we don't land by that time."

"You'll have to get us down somehow," Pam matter-of-factly summed up the situation. "Is there anything we can do to help?" Mattie admired her for being able to remain so cool. She herself felt all effects of her autogenic training dissipate, and the well-known fear was once again starting to strangle her. Involuntarily, Mattie grabbed the neck of her t-shirt and pulled hard, feeling she needed more air. 'Don't hyperventilate, don't hyperventilate,' she kept repeating her mantra.

"Actually, yes, there is," Rob answered Pam's question, removing his hand from his eye, blinking and grimacing. Hal handed him a handkerchief and Rob dried the tears on his cheeks, apparently still trying to get the world into some focus again. "But it's really only Mattie who can help me because she knows what she's looking at," he explains. "Matt, are you with us?"

'Everything depends on you. Your friends depend on you. Get a grip, dammit!' Mattie inwardly yelled at herself, trying not to think of what they were facing: the landing. The one maneuver that had caused all the pain and sorrow in her life, five years ago. She swallowed heavily. "Yes. What do you want me to do?"

"I can see some," Rob explained, the strain in his voice showing that he still had to be in pain, "but I need you to be my extra eyes now, Matt. I'd rather have talked you through the landing altogether, but it's been so long since you've done a landing that we'll have to cope like this. How well are you acquainted with instrument flight?"

"Some," Mattie answered shakily. "I haven't done a night landing yet, but I did have to rely on the instruments two or three times when the sight was poor. Like when..." She broke off, her hand again finding its way to her collar. However, Mattie managed to stop the movement in mid-air and forced her hand back down.

'This is just your head. You have all the air you need. Breathe slowly, as the reflex comes to you, don't draw active breaths.'

For a moment, Rob turned his head to face her, and she could see how red and swollen his left eye had become. However, his smile was just as enchanting as ever, be it teary and pained or not. "You're not completely on your own here, Matt," he said reassuringly. "I can still decipher more or less what I see on the controls. I just need you as my backup reader, in case I need a quick reading and can't make it out. Or in case anything might escape my notice. I'm just not completely reliable right now."

Mattie gave herself one final mental kick and nodded, actually managing to give him a small smile in return. "Roger. Let's do this."

"You go, girl," Hal cheered from behind, but he was immediately shushed by Pam who told him their pilots needed to concentrate now.

Mattie glued her eyes to the control panel as if her life depended on it. Maybe it did, she thought wryly, managing to push the implications away.

"Ben Craig air control, this is Romeo-3-4-7-Golf-November. Requesting landing clearance." Rob's voice was all business now. They had long left their cruising altitude and were gliding at about 3000 feet, making a descent rate of about 900 feet per minute.

"7-Golf-November, this is Ben Craig air control. You are cleared for landing on Runway One-Four."

Mattie's eyes darted to the direction indicator. "The confusion made us deviate a little. You need to correct your heading by about 5 degrees, before you can turn to 140 for the landing."

"Roger that. Tell me when I reach 134 so the momentum does the rest."

"You're almost there," Mattie told him, only mildly wondering where on Earth she had found her composure, considering everything she was feeling. "Easy now... okay, 134."

Rob ended the turn and eventually, the plane reached their predefined course again. "Altitude?"

"1800 feet," Mattie read. "Pull her up a little. We're descending too quickly."

"How much?" Rob minimally changed the position of the yoke.

"Wait, ah, yes, that should do. Hang on. Can you see the landing strip?"

Rob slightly leaned forward and squinted. "Yeah, I see it. I think we need to go to 140 now. Same procedure as before. 139 is limit."

"Got it. You're at 136... 137... 138... 139, fly straight on. Descent rate looks good."

"Attitude?"

"Looks good. Course is 140 now."

"Good. Speed?"

"You could give a little more flaps."

"Done. Okay..." Rob straightened in his seat, relaxing visibly. "We're close enough now," he declared. "I can see well enough to bring her in on my own. Thank you, Matt, you've been a great help."

"Welcome..." Mattie let herself sink back into her seat, relieved, if still watching the control panel closely. A moment later, the Tiger safely made contact with the pavement, and Rob stepped on the brakes.

"Ben Craig ground control, this is 7-Golf-November. Clearing the active runway." Mattie thought she had never heard Rob's voice sound so relieved before. From the rear seat, clapping was heard, joined by an excuse of Hal's, telling them the tourist routine was the only fitting reaction right now, and that they should spare them when they got off the plane.

Rob taxied to their final parking position, then opened the canopy and hopped out. Mattie saw him round the plane at a quick pace while Pam and Hal were getting out on the pilot's side. For a few endless moments, she couldn't manage to pull herself up and just sat motionless. But eventually, the fact began to register in her brain that this time, she'd made it through - and not just because of dumb luck. Because she and Rob had done a good team job. 

With shaking knees, but smiling, she clumsily climbed out of the Tiger's cockpit and stepped on the wing. Down on the tarmac, Rob - white-faced and with a dreadfully red eye - held out his arms to her. Not trusting her knees any further, Mattie sat down on the wing and let herself slip down on her feet. Rob was there to help her stand. When their eyes met, they could read in each other's gaze what they'd just been through together, and emotions ran high. Rob forcefully pulled Mattie close, encircling her in his arms and burying his nose in her hair.

Mattie let herself be embraced, holding on to her friend for dear life. She was still shaking but she could feel that he was trembling, too, as the emotional aftermath of the situation rolled over them. 

"I was responsible for all of you," Rob whispered, "and I let you down."

"No, you didn't," Mattie replied in a low voice, never letting go of him. "We're all here, aren't we?"

"Yes, but if you hadn't been able to step in, I might have gotten us all killed." Mattie felt the remorse was hanging heavily on Rob's shoulders. She drew back slightly so she could look at him.

"Maybe. You don't know that. Look, if there's one thing I really learned during my rehab and all, it's that you should never waste time thinking about what-ifs and could-haves. The situation is, we're all alive and well, and you did a great job landing the bird half blind. Stick to that, and forget about what might have happened, okay?"

He heaved a shaky sigh and gave her a crooked, doubtful smile. "I'll try. Still," he sobered, "you did an outstanding job there, Matt. I could feel you were panicking, but you willed it down and gained control. That's more than most people would have managed to do in the same situation. So maybe this unlucky flight did some good, after all."

"It definitely did," she agreed. "And just for the record: I don't think it was that unlucky at all. Until that fly started the troubles, I was having the time of my life." She looked at him intently, wanting to make him see how important this day was for her. "This is one of the most beautiful days of my life, Rob," she confessed. "You managed to get me flying again. Honestly, I doubt I'd have gotten this far without you. You can't even begin to understand how much this means to me. Thank you," she added simply, but she felt her words resounding from the bottom of her heart.

"You're welcome," he only answered softly, pulling her close again and resting his cheek on top of her hair. Mattie had no idea how long they stood there, just reveling in the closeness of a very special friend, until Hal discretely but distinctly cleared his throat.

"I guess we could all use a good cup of some anti-stress tea now, right?"

*********************
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The ultimate all-time classics of adventure literature - the Jag London Series!

Vol. 3: White Flag

The gripping story of the taming of a wild overseas sailor who is transferred to Old Europe. 
Buy it now!

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*********************


March 14
1438 Local
Rabb residence
Kensington
London, England



"Mommy tub! Ben 'wim!"

It should have been a day away from the office - but apparently neither her son, nor the never-ending virtual queue of people waiting to call her, wanted to allow her an idle minute. Sighing, Mac wrapped the squirming and wailing toddler into a large bath towel and headed to the living-room, ignoring her son's protest. "That was just to clean you up. And now Mommy needs to get to the phone, okay? Be a good little sailor." Inwardly, she still cringed at the thought that 'sailor' had been one of the first words Ben had clearly associated with a concept. 

'Okay, Harm's brains,' she had resignedly admitted to herself.

"Stop pulling at my collar," she told him when she tried to find a comfortable position to talk - one ear on the receiver, the other being examined by the kid on her arm. "Hello?"

["You sound pretty stressed."]

"Maybe that's because that's what I am. Hey, Mats." 

["The general call you for any favors you could do him from your home computer?"]

"No, fortunately he realized that I do need my days at home to catch up on my housewife duties. It's just that every 15 minutes the phone starts to ring, and that your brother's being especially lively today. He decided to play and make mud-pies out of my chocolate dough in the kitchen when I was answering another call," Mac explained with a crooked grin. Then she sobered. "Is everything okay? This is an odd time for you to call."

["Yeah, I know, but I just felt like calling to hear how you all were. Sorry if I called at a bad moment."] The girl didn't sound uneasy at all, so whatever she was calling about couldn't be all that bad, Mac thought, relieved. 

["Harm's at the office?"]

"Of course, and he won't be back for another four hours, at least." Mac let a hint of mock severity creep into her voice that she had found out worked well to give Mattie an opening. "Don't beat around the bush. Why are you really calling?"

["Doing the mom routine again, huh?"] Mac could hear Mattie was grinning. ["Okay, so I have an ulterior motive. Have you got a minute or two?"]

"Yeah, I think I do. Ben just found out cuddling with my favorite bath towel is a great thing to do."

["The fluffy green one?"]

"Exactly. So, what's up?" Mac was determined not to let her off the hook, knowing Mattie would only call at an hour like this if she had something really important to discuss.

["Two days ago I went flying."] Mattie's voice had sounded very shy, but she hadn't quite managed to hide the pride resounding in her tone.

Mac's heart leapt. What a great surprise for Harm! But why was she the first to know, not him? She had to make sure she had gotten the picture right. "You mean on a small plane?"

["Yup. We rented a Tiger at a nearby airfield where they offer special rates for St Andrews students, and Rob took us on a Highland sightseeing tour that's worth remembering."]

"Wow, Mattie, that's fantastic news." She had the impression the sun was shining just a little brighter. "But tell me, what managed to bring that on? Did your therapist tell you to do it?"

["She didn't discourage me."]

"Meaning what exactly?"

["Actually, it was Rob who started it all,"] Mattie started to elaborate. ["A few months ago, he came by this ad in Hal's bag, informing people that a generous St-Andrews alumnus was financing a lot of things for Ben Craig airfield if they let us students fly for very little. Rob outed himself as a private pilot and invited us to go flying together. You can imagine how that discussion went..."]

Mac grimaced, thinking of a number of recent panic breakdowns on the phone. Luckily, they had lessened ever since Mattie had started seeing that therapist. Not that Mac blamed her for being so hesitant about it - who better to relate than her? "I suppose that evening was... eventful?"

["Uh, yeah. Anyway, that's when I told Hal and Rob about my past, and they were just great about it."] Mac saw no need to remark that she wouldn't have expected anything else. ["And for Christmas, Rob gave me a voucher telling me to name the day I felt secure enough to try it out, and he'd personally take me up. If I chickened out, no one would hear a thing."]

"But you didn't?"

["No, although I was pretty close to it,"] Mattie admitted. ["When we were descending, Rob had eye problems because of a fly, and the bad things started coming back to me. But when Rob told me he needed me right then and there to be his second pair of eyes, I suddenly managed to get a grip. No idea how that happened. I just knew we had to get the plane down. So we did."]

Harm would be so thrilled. Mac could hardly wait to see his face at hearing the news. But had Mattie even told him? "Again, this is fabulous, Mats," she congratulated her daughter. "Have you told Harm?" She knew well she hadn't.

["Not yet,"] Mattie answered a little sheepishly. ["I wanted to do something special, and I... well..."]

"...needed someone to negotiate financing it, I suppose?"

["Kinda, yeah."]

"So what is it you're thinking about?"

["I did another NEXUS interview yesterday with my favorite participant in the project,"] Mattie replied. ["Jeannie had this idea when I told her I'd been flying. And Rob and Pam second it fully."]

"Second what?" Mac was beginning to get slightly unnerved about Mattie's next-to-no-info policy.

["Mac,"] Mattie sounded as if she were assembling all her courage. ["Harm promised that if I ever wanted to fly again, he'd make it happen. But I, well, I wouldn't want him to know just yet. So... uh... do you think you could manage to help me get my pilot's license without Harm knowing?"]

"This is some news," Mac said, astonished beyond belief. "Accelerating from zero to 100 in five seconds, are we?"

["I know it sounds that way, but Mac, I know I can do it! And I so want to!"] 

It had been too long since Mac had heard her this eager to do something special, and she felt very much inclined to help Mattie carry out her surprise plan. However, she needed to make sure of one thing. "You sure you're not doing this just to prove something to yourself?"

["That was two days ago, before I got on the plane in the first place. But now I remember what flying feels like, and I really, really want to go back up there."]

"And if your panic returns?"

Mattie sobered a little. ["I know it can always happen. Panic disorder can never be healed. Too many things remind you of what you're so afraid of, and they can all trigger an attack. But that's no reason not to try if they really will, as long as you know how to fight the fear."

"Was that your therapist speaking?"

["Yeah. I asked her about my plan today. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be doing something stupid."]

"And what did she tell you?"

["To go for it if I really wanted it badly enough."]

"Did she seem supportive?"

["Not right at the beginning. After that, she seemed to warm to the idea of my flying."]

"And I suppose that if this doesn't work out, you never even thought of doing it, right? Officially, I mean." Mac tested the terrain.

["Exactly. Especially when Harm's around."]

Ben had fallen asleep for good on Mac's lap - the bath seemed to have tired him out. Better get him to his bed and seize the opportunity to have him catch up a little on the sleep he tended to lose, drawing good-night processes out endlessly. "I see," Mac acknowledged. "And you'd get special rates?"

Mattie named the rates and fares. Mac had to admit it was in fact feasible. "Will you continue seeing your therapist?"

["'Course I will,"] Mattie affirmed readily. ["I think that once I start flying again, I might need her more than ever for some time. Don't worry, I never thought of quitting."]

For a moment, Mac pondered the options in her heart. What if something happened? Could she bear facing Harm, telling him she'd had a hand in it? And... could she bear losing this girl who had grown so dear to her? On the other hand, what were the odds that something of the kind would happen twice to the same person? Mac decided she loved statistics.

"Okay, let's start and see how things go, okay?"

["Mac, you're the best!"]

"Under one condition, though - or make that two."

["Whatever you want!"]

Mac shook her head at the overzealous girl, smiling. "That you'll be very attentive to how you feel and stop if you feel you're not there yet. And that you'll take me to witness Harm's reaction when you first take him up on a tour."

["That's a given. Thank you, Mac. I so want to do this for Harm,"] Mattie added, sobering slightly. ["For all he's done for me."]

"Then consider it done. But," Mac raised her virtual index finger, "I want an update after every lesson."

["You got it."]

"Then go catch your dream, hon."

["I will."]

	

June 15, 2010
1437 Local
North of Dundee
Scotland



Who would have guessed Scotland could be so hot? Once again, Harm pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and tried to dry his forehead - which didn't really work as the piece of cloth was already completely soaked. Rob's Mini Cooper was an old one, too. So they had to go without air conditioning, and sitting folded in such a small car when you surpassed six feet wasn't exactly funny to begin with. Harm had asked Rob why he didn't get a bigger car, but when he had told him that this Mini Cooper had been his grandmother's for as long as he could remember, Harm knew exactly how Rob had to feel about it and had said nothing further.

In the rear, Mac was playing simple clapping games with Ben, in order to keep him quiet. So far, it had worked, but Harm hoped they'd arrive soon wherever Rob had promised to take them. Unfortunately, Mattie had received a call last night, learning she had to step in for a NEXUS co-researcher today, doing a last-minute interview to help someone wrap up his studies. So she had only been able to have breakfast with them at their hotel and had then entrusted upon Rob the task of taking them on the tour she seemed to have all planned out. She insisted she wanted it to be a surprise tour for them, so Rob was bound to silence. No matter what Harm had tried to get a glimpse at what they were about to do today, Mattie's friend had kept his promise and said nothing. Harm only wished he were as patient as Mac. She didn't seem at all bothered by the fact that they didn't know what Mattie had planned for them.

Harm knew he was doing a poor job hiding that he was disappointed not to see more of his daughter. He, Mac, and Ben had come up for the end-of-term celebrations, so they could take some of Mattie's belongings back to London with them. Mattie would stay on in St Andrews for another ten days after they'd returned south. Then she was to drop by in London for a few days and from there to fly back to the States and get a few weeks of Californian sun with her grandparents, before returning to Richmond for her senior year. 

Harm felt guilty that he hadn't once found the time to drive up and see Mattie during the school year. It had always been her to drop by for a long weekend, more or less every six weeks. So now was the very last occasion for them to get to see a little of where Mattie had spent - it seemed - her most exciting and inspiring college year. How much this might have to do with the young man sitting behind the steering wheel, Harm had no way of knowing. But he did have his suspicions.

So he and Mac had finally gotten round to going north - and had hardly been able to meet with Mattie at all. Since they had arrived the day before yesterday, she had almost constantly been busy with something or other, leaving it up to them, mostly, to do a little Scottish sightseeing. The only thing she had in fact told them was that they would do this tour with Rob that they were currently doing. 

And so far, today's activities hadn't exactly been exciting. All Harm had been able to deduce from traffic signs and conversation snippets when Mattie had once called them on Rob's cell phone, was that they were headed to some place north of Dundee. The only positive thing about the drive was that the weather was splendid and the scenery looked gorgeous, even from the car. What a waste of flying time... Harm longingly gazed outside.

About 15 minutes later, Rob left the main road and drove up a slightly bumpy narrow road that wound downhill in turns until it rather abruptly ended in front of a large gate. Harm first jumped and then stared. A sign read WELCOME TO BEN CRAIG AIRFIELD, and behind the iron bars he could indeed see a small but apparently well-built runway. Half a dozen small white private planes stood lined up on the tarmac. Harm felt he was involuntarily starting to grin. Had he ever thought they were wasting flying time?

However, what a strange thing to plan for them, by Mattie, of all people, he thought. He knew her panic attacks had lessened since she'd been seeing her therapist about her fear of small planes. But flying was still something Mattie had tried to avoid talking about during the last couple of months, begging him to understand she still needed some time to fully come to terms with it. 

He had accepted her plea, of course, and the topic had been laid to rest. Harm wondered if Mattie's conscience was bothering her about avoiding what meant so much to him? If so, he and his little girl needed to do some more talking, he resolved. Still, it was a sweet thing for Mattie to do if she had really done what he suspected and organized a Highland aerial tour for them which, he was sure, would be one of the best things to do with a day like today.

Rob seemed to be a member of the club running the airfield because he only showed a club ID at the gate and was allowed onto the parking lot. They got out, stretched their limbs and savored the slight breeze coming from the hillside.

"So this is what Mattie was so secretive about this morning?" Harm asked Rob with a smile, taking a thorough look at his surroundings. "In fact, she seemed pretty excited when she left." He turned to face Rob. "Was this her idea? What exactly are we going to do anyway?"

Rob's smile was a tad too mysterious for Harm to feel at ease. "Something very special," the young man answered. "I promised Mattie not to say a word, but I'll say this much, Captain: I've done this with Mattie several times in the last months, and it's an experience to remember."

Hearing those words, Harm gaped at Rob, aghast. "Wait a minute - you're not telling me you and Mattie went flying with someone? You know her story, don't you?"

Rob's smile broadened. "Yes, she told us what she's been through, and no - we didn't go flying with someone."

Harm felt his face fall. The hope had been too sweet indeed.

"We went flying on our own, me steering and her being my RIO, so to speak. But in fact, the first time we took Hal and Pam, too."

"What?"

Apparently his expression had to be a hilarious sight because now, Rob couldn't contain his laughter - as couldn't Mac, Harm noted, confused and just a little irritated. There was something to this picture that he didn't get.

"I love seeing you at a loss for words, counselor," Mac laughed, picking little Ben up and placing the boy on her right hip. Rob excused himself and withdrew in the direction of the waiting planes.

Harm looked at his wife, his irritation half genuine. "You knew?" He didn't know what ticked him off more, the fact that Mattie hadn't told him she had apparently overcome her fear, or the fact that Mac had to have been in on the picture for quite some time.

"Yes, I did, but Mattie made me swear not to say a word unless she could be sure not to disappoint you with this." Mac had sobered slightly but was still smiling. "She did it for you, you know."

Harm was overwhelmed. He and his daughter would go flying again. Together. Cruise the skies around Mount McKinley as he had promised her back at the hospital, five years ago. "I don't know what to say," he murmured, shaking his head in happy disbelief.

Mac was all practical. "Then just say nothing and let's go. I think Rob's got a plane waiting for us."

"Remind me to thank him for making this happen," Harm said. "I'm convinced he played an important role in this."

"Be sure of it," Mac confirmed, turning to her son. "Look, Ben, daddy's going to go flying with Rob now. And we'll watch them start and land, all right?"

"You're not coming?" Harm asked, surprised.

Mac shook her head. "I'm not sure how well Ben would take the whole thing. I'd rather have him fly on a big airliner first. No experiments. Your pilot's not all that experienced, you know."

Harm lifted his eyebrows. "Mac," he said in a low voice, feeling slightly embarrassed and avoiding to glance in Rob's direction. "You don't know that. Maybe Rob's been flying for years. It's not exactly polite to voice suspicions of the kind this frankly."

"Oh, sorry." Harm noted that Mac hadn't sounded sorry at all. As a matter of fact, she was grinning widely.

What the hell was going on?

Shrugging to himself and resolving he'd investigate this matter a little more thoroughly once they'd returned, he kissed Mac and Ben goodbye and got on the plane. Rob was still standing outside, finishing the pre-flight checks. He pointed Harm to the co-pilot's seat, which he gladly took. 

In front of him, Harm found a map of the area and began to study it. A minute later, he became aware that Rob had installed himself in the pilot's seat. Pondering possible flight routes, Harm didn't look up.

However, he jumped when he heard the next words being addressed to him - by a voice he knew all too well and would least have expected to hear right now.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mathilda Grace Rabb and I'm your pilot on this flight. Fasten your seatbelts, please."

Harm's head swiveled around - and there she was: his daughter, cheeks glowing, wearing headphones and handing him another set, her hand trembling, but her expression serene and excited.

"Mattie! I don't understand..."

Her voice wasn't entirely stable when she answered. "I'll tell you the whole story later, Harm. For now, I'll just tell you that Mac helped me finance the flying lessons behind your back, and that Rob managed to make me take the initial hurdle in March. I passed my exam two weeks ago. But now let's get started, shall we? Dad?"

Harm swallowed hard. "Could you pinch me, please?" he croaked out, half laughing.

"Sure."

"Ouw!"

"You're not dreaming."

Harm rubbed his cheek, chuckling. "I guess not." Sobering, he couldn't help asking, "How did you feel when you first went up, though?"

Mattie fell earnest as well. "I wouldn't have survived the first time up if it hadn't been for Rob, Hal, and Pam. They kind of conned me into it, and they were great. Then we had a little situation upon landing because Rob had eye problems - I'll tell you later - and I all but lost it. But Rob told me he needed my assistance, and somehow, I held it together. That was the turning point. Don't ask me how that happened. It just did. That night, I decided I wanted to take up flying myself again."

"Seems that in this, you're as much my daughter as you could ever be," Harm mused, deeply moved.

"In being crazy about planes?" Mattie teased but Harm didn't pick up on her humor.

"No, I was thinking of something else. Did I ever tell you what made me get my wings back after my ramp strike? For quite some time I didn't feel like wearing them because I didn't feel I could."

"No, you didn't. What was it?"

"I went up in a Tomcat with Tom Boone, in the rear seat because I was on the Seahawk for legal business only," Harm told her, seeing the images in front of his mind's eye. "During the flight, Tom was injured and lost consciousness. It was already getting dark, and I ended up having to do a night landing on the carrier from the rear seat."

"The very thing that caused your accident..." Mattie mused. "Isn't that strange? I had to keep cool in the situation that caused my accident, too!"

"I told you: it's evident you're my daughter." Harm felt his grin turning prouder by the minute.

Mattie's smile radiated warmth. "Then it's only natural I'd do this for you, right?"

Harm put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it, profound gratitude welling up in him. "Wow, Mats, this is... how... oh, well. Later." He shook his head as if to clear it, laughing. "So, where are you taking me?"

"We'll do a round trip over Strathmore Valley," she explained. "That's the tour we made on the day that changed my life, speaking in terms of flying. If that's okay with you."

"The sky's all yours, Mattie. Take her up." Still totally dazed, Harm leaned back in his seat.

Mattie smiled at him, then turned in front and unconsciously took hold of the microphone in front of her mouth. "Ben Craig ground control, this is 5-2-1-Echo-India, requesting taxiing clearance."

Apart from Mac's vows in front of the altar or Ben's first cry, Harm thought he'd never heard anything more beautiful in his life.


*************
END CREDITS
*************
On the next JAG...

Harm gets a new job.

The Rabbs leave London.

Where will life take them? And who is to cross their path?